Tug of War.

"Oh, scarecrow, it ain't so bad just try and fit in this hollow mess 'Cause you've traveled so far From where it all began..."


The world is spinning around me and my mind goes blank. Images of days when everything was perfect pop up at different moments in the scene playing in my head. A single rose, falls to the floor, the book is finally closed. My princess fairy tale didn't have the happily ever ending that most fairy tales have, but it did however have an ending. After years of my heart playing an unending game of tug of war, it did not end in a stalemate, there was a winner. They say a broken heart feels like glass being smashed, into millions of tiny tiny pieces. That there's bits and pieces hidden in hard to find places, and although you can find the big obvious bits, it's impossible to clean it all up. You can cover up or deny that they're there, but they're there. This is how my heart has felt for years. Shattered like glass. But in the end- I proved to come out victorious in the never ending tug of war match.

I pulled, I gave everything I had left in me. Sweat, blood, tears, and gasping for breathe. His heart versus mine, in a brutal battle to see who could finally win the title. Do you wanna know how I won? Eventually he was pulling harder then ever before, you could see the veins bulging out of his neck and the pulsing heartbeat from his chest, and so I left go. He fell to the ground in what seemed like slow motion, and I was left standing victorious in the face of his defeat. I offered my hand to lift him back up, but he stood and shook off the dust and walked away without a sound coming from his lips. I watched him walk away from the match, and I smiled brightly knowing finally it was over, and I could finally rest. So I turned the other way and walked with pride, and walked with joy knowing I had won something that day, and a new day was coming, one that didn't involve tug of war.

Where My Passions Have Went.

I really need to write, to get my thoughts out. But nothing is coming. Don't you hate that when you sit for hours at your computer hoping something will come that sounds good enough, that is worth writing, and worth the reader actually taking time out of their busy schedule to sit down and read? That's the rut I am currently in.

I love writing, and it's a passion of mine that I no longer do as much as I'd like. Writing and music have always been the two ways I express myself, and when you no longer do either of those you feel dead. In high school I was in band, and that kept me mentally sane because I could express myself in ways my writing couldn't. When I wasn't writing, I was playing music, and when I wasn't playing music I was writing. These two passions of mine have kept me stable.

I wish I had the words to express how writing, and how music makes me feel. It's always been my anti-drug. I think the reason my world is so confusing right now, and why everything has been spazzing out on me is because I don't take the time to write, and because I'm not in the band program. I can't change the band program issue right now, but I could still play my french horn every time I went back home, which I desperately need to do. I miss it, it's my heartbeat. I however can change the fact I don't write. I used to write all the time, whether it was in this blog, in my common place book, on my phone or on random papers that got thrown away..I still wrote. I need to write again, poetry, stories, blogs, my feelings, what God's been speaking to me, whatever it is, I need to write it out.

I'm at the beginning of a new chapter in my life, one that involves me becoming more mature, and becoming what God has planned for me to be. In this chapter I will grow, but in this chapter I refuse to let go of music and writing. It's through these two passions that I am who I am. So I will try- I will try with my best efforts to write, and to play my heart out.

SEU and band.

Since August 22nd I have been living in Lakeland, Florida and attending college at Southeastern University. Honestly, academically speaking I wish I could tell you it's everything I hoped. But it's not. It's pretty much how I figured it would be. Nothing very special, minus the fact it's a christ-centered university. Spiritually speaking my school has it made, but academically...not so much. It's okay, I know God has me here for a reason, and I do like my school, it's just different from where I know I personally want to be. I personally want to be in the marching band somewhere, and traveling from state to state every Saturday that there is an away game. If God didn't call me to be a children's pastor, I could of seen myself being a High School band director. I would of done DCI every summer until then..insane? Yes? Maybe? I could of done it.. It's weird, now that I'm actually not in band anymore because my schedule just can't fit it, my heart feels empty. Education for once is coming before band...and it's hurting me everyday. You can ask my friend Marissa in college. Everyday atleast twice I say "I miss Band." Actually I've realized being in band for six years has given me many important qualities that you need in the real world. Like, for instance being on time... "To be early is to be on time, to be on time is to be late." I've noticed especially in college I like to be there early, while everyone walks in late. I can't be late..it bothers me. I feel I should run a lap if I'm late. That's another thing band gave me. Discipline. It disciplined me to always want to be the best. I personally am grateful for my experience in band. It prepared me the most for where I am today.

Now, back to SEU. I got off topic. As much as I wish I were in the band at say UCF, or FSU, I do know God has me where I am supposed to be for spiritual reasons. Since being here God has been working wonders in me, and I have matured quite a lot. Anyone who said christian college was perfect is wrong because there is still the wrong crowd here, but I think the reason God has been working wonders in me, is because it's His plan for me here you know? My favorite place on campus is the lake, which I rarerly go to, but I love praying there. God always speaks to me in marvelous ways there, in the beautiful nature of the lake. As much as I may miss band, and have a need to march on the field again and to play my instrument, God has it in His hands and He's doing things in and through me.

You know. I'm also very different here. I don't speak in class. Ever. I don't give my opinions out loud, because I'd rather write it in an essay and astound the professor then to let everyone know how smart I really am. I'm not trying to sound braggy or anything like that, but back in high school everyone KNEW I was smart and I hung with all the smart kids and so we all spoke our answers all the time. I've become the quiet kid in class who just listens. I'm paying for the class anyways, so I'm listening and analyzing everything and when it comes to it I'll write my essays, and how smart I am will come through writing instead of speech. I also eat lunch alone a lot. It's weird. I have friends, but if they aren't in the cafeteria I don't sit with random people. When normally, I would. I also am not as social here. I don't get it. I do a lot, but at the same time don't do a lot, if that makes ANY sense. It's weird.

I miss home. I miss Samantha and all my best friends---but I'm learning a lot of valuable life things here. I know I'll make it. God has a plan! And God's plan is good!

You Are Good.

You promised me, so I put my trust in You. You answer in three ways. “Yes”, “No.” or “Wait.” So… I will listen, and I will “Wait.”. I need to stop doing this on my own, and put my trust in You. If You said it’d happen, then it WILL happen. There is NO need to worry anymore. No need to beat myself up for not being perfect, no need to cry, no need to feel inferior. I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. I know now more then ever that you have my future in Your hands. I can’t keep pushing something that may not be what You really promised to begin with. But whatever it is that You have promised, it WILL come to pass. I believe full heartedly that one day, it will happen, and when it does I will praise Your name for the strength You’ve given me to hold on through the storms. Thank you Father for always being with me wherever I go. I will sing you praises for You are Good and Your love endures forever.

Putting My Senses To Work

Before I start this blog out, I just want to say that God is amazing. I want you all to know that if you ever have anything going on in your life where you feel like you can't handle it anymore, that you've finally reached the end, that God is going to be there to lift you up, and to hold you in His loving arms.

Now. The point of this blog, is to explain what God spoke to me about today. During prayer, I sat in my place between these two stacks of chairs. At first, I was extremely tired, and was praying, "Oh Lord, how am I going to get through this without falling asleep?" But then, I just began to read the passage of scripture I've been re-reading everyday. Ezekial 37:15-28. But, after I read the passage, I closed my bible and just started praying. I want to tell you something. Never underestimate God in your life. He will surprise you sometimes. Especially when you are about to fall over into a coma because you need sleep lol. So, I started to pray and the words that came out of my mouth were completely Spirit-Inspired, and I think I need to share with you what basically God had come out of my mouth.

So many of us seem to believe in God, and believe that He exists, and at the same time so many of us don't believe in him at all. Those of us who do believe, why do we believe? And, How do we know Him? Those who don't believe, why don't you believe? What evidence do you have? Let me tell you a way I experience God. Through the senses. Look at the tall trees, the night sky, the shining stars, the bright moon, and the ocean's splendor. You see God. Smell the flowers, the sweet aroma of your favorite food coming out of the oven, the smell of pine,of vanilla, or apples. You smell God. Touch the silky fabric of your favorite dress, the touch of your dog as it runs up to play with you, the touch of you holding your favorite stuffed animal as you lay down to sleep at night, the touch of two small fingers running down your face and knowing that you gave life to the child you are holding. In all this. You touch God. Listen to the sound of the piano, or the sound of a beautifully composed piece of music that causes shivers to go down your spine, listen to Beethoven, Bach, Rachmaninoff, Strauss. Listen to the air, to the sound of breathing. To the french horn, and the flute. You hear God. It is through our four main senses, sight, smell, touch, and hearing that we are able to distinguish the beauty of God. I can't understand how anyone looks at the world, see's the world, hears the sounds, smells the aroma's, and touches the surfaces but reject's God. You reject God, but yet accept the trees? You reject God, but yet accept the piano? It is through God that all these were formed, and through God that we are able to experience such glory.

I praise Him for giving us such beauty. In times of trouble, in times of recession, and darkness, all we have to do is look, smell, taste, and hear, and we can know the presence of God is still there at work, everyday. Isn't that exciting to know? I think we all need to just take some time to sit back and really pay attention to our senses. If we do, we may find God in ways we never expected to before.

Of Knights and Princesses Part 2: The Wind and The Fire

John's Story =]

Once upon a time there was land called Rumo. Rumo was a land bordered by volcanos that spewed fire into rivers of fire that acted as a natural defense for the people that lived there. In addition to this formidable shield, the Rumoans saw fit to build walls and forts and castles to maintain a state of security for themselves. They built great roads and bridges that forded these rivers of molten rock as well as great canals to prevent their safeguard from becoming their doom. Upon one of these great roads our story begins with a Knight on an errand of personal significance. Now, this was no ordinary rider for two reasons: First, he was a knight from a distant country; and second, the steed upon which he rode was a giant wolf. Steel grey and as big as a horse, this was a Fordacian Wolf. Strong, swift and full of stamina the wolf pounded along the dusty red road, throught the checkpoints of the Rumo defenses and on toward the great Fortress Pyrasa that was home to the leader and guardian of Rumo. As he approached the castle he took in it's magnificence. It's mighty towers, it's impressive battlements and ever watchful was teh banner of Rumo, a crimson dragon blazoned upon a golden field a jet of flame issuing from between it's teeth. For the dragon was the emblem of rumo. Dragons were used as symbols of power and hope, as well as used as steeds for the Rumoan Cavalry and Air Corp. The gurards let him pass and stabled his wolf. The Chief Advisor to the Lady came to meet him, a dark skinned man by the name of Devinicus. "What brings you to Pyrasa good knight?" I have urgent need to speak with your mistress." "The Lady of Fire is, at this time, indisposed." "Don't give me the runaround Devinicus, I need to speak with her immediately." Devinicus looked uncomfortable for a moment and then led the knight into a chamber off the main courtyard. "I know why you have come and, if truth be told, I am glad of it. word has reached our ears of the battle you fought in Bentilus." "Then you also know that the Lady of Water sent for your mistresses aid and that that that call went unanswered, now why is that I wonder?" "If you must know, the Lady has been ill for quite some time." "Ill? What do you mean ill?" "I mean, she has not been herself of late. Everyone in the castle has been beside themselves with worry, but she has forbidden us to tend to her or to even send to our allies for aid." The knight pondered this for a moment and then said, "Take me to her." Such was the grimness of his face that Devinicus did not question the order he had just been given, but led him directly to the Lady's chamber. He knocked twice and a feeble voice said "Enter." The Lady was sitting in a chair by the window, her red hair fell neatly upon her shoulders, she was wearing robes of fine white linen with a flowered sash about her waist. She did not look up when they entered, but instead said absentmindedly, "Yes Devinicus, what is it?" The knight could hear a great weariness in her voice."The Wolf Knight of the Wind is come to see you m'lady." At this she turned and when she saw the knight standing there she leapt to her feet, but immediately swayed and would have fallen if the knight hadn't rushed to her side to catch her. He lifted her easily into his arms and carried her to the bed. When they had gotten her some wine to drink and a watersoaked towel for her her head, the Lady dismissed Devinicus and he bowed himself out of the room. "If I'd known you were coming I would have made you a better welcome, what brings you here so unexpectedly?" Ignoring her question, he said "Why did you not send to me that you were ill? I could have been here much sooner." "I did not want you to worry about me. You have your own affairs to look after without having to rush to my side whenever I feel a little faint." She tried to laugh, but it died in her chest and a cough took it's place. "Erica, you know as well as I do that this is no common cold." She sighed as she looked into his eyes. "I don't have the strength to pretend to you anymore. I fear that I may be dying. The flame that once burned bright within me has almost gone out." He put his hand on hers and she looked at him again. "Is there nothing that can be done?" he asked, fighting back the sorrow that was rising in the pit of his stomach. "Nothing that I have the strength to endure. There is only one thing can save me now I fear and that is Everfire that burns deep within the bowels of Mount Christia which lies at the heart of my country. Everfire gave me new life when I was but a child and I know that it could give me life again, but, alas, I have not the strength to make that journey and to face those perils." He stood, "Then I shall go. I shall go and retrieve this Everfire and bring it back here to you, that you may live." She suddenly looked fearful and grasped his hand in both of hers, "No, John, you must not. It is far too dangerous. I could never ask someone to brave the perils of that quest for me." "You did not ask me, nor do you have to. I will go, I will find this Everfire and I will save you or die in the attempt." Erica tried to get up, to try and persuade him not to go, but he gently pushed her back down onto the bed and her weariness returned and she did not rise again and could only look on him with pleading in her eyes. "I shall not fail you m'lady. I shall return." and with that, he left her chamber and made for the stables. Devinicus joined him shortly and after hearing all that had transpired he immediately set about explaing Everfire and the ancient safeguards that surrounded it. "Any man that seeks Everfire must pass three tests. The first, a test of strength. The second, a test of will. The third, a test of heart." "what are these tests?" "The scrolls do not say." Undeterred, John made his way to the gate where his wolf, Roshta was waiting. Waiting beside him was one of the Cavalry Dragons harnessed and ready to depart. The dragon was a little larger than Roshta with bright green skin dappled here and there by brown spots. It's yellow eyes followed the two men as they approached and it's talons clicked against the stones of the courtyard in anticipation of the race to come. A man dressed in the scarlet of the Rumoan Cavalry walked toward them and saluted John. "I am Raxos, I will be your guide to the mountain and back." Thank you, we must not tarry for great haste is needed." The two men mounted their steeds, turned their heads toward the open gate and kicked them into a run leaving the those that laid behind in a cloud of dust. Soon they were far away, galloping through the Nothern Plain on their road south to the mountain. Such was the speed of Roshta and the Rumoan Dragon that before the sun had reached it's zenith on the third day they came to the top of a small hill and looked out onto a wide plain. In the center of the plain, stood a great pinnacle of rock wreathed with flame about it's peak. They came to the base of Mount Christia just as the sun began to sink beyond the western horizon. "Here I must leave you, for the Mountain will not suffer both of us." said Raxos. Without another word, John proceeded up the mountain. He climbed for the better part of an hour until he reached a wide level shelf that led to a doorway carved into the side of the mountain. Now, the sun had nearly set and as the last fleeting rays retreated beyond the rim of the world John took a deep breath and plunged into the mountain. The passage went deep into the mountain and soon all was darkness but for the flickering light of the torch that he had brought with him. He continued on until he came out of the darkness and into a high chamber ringed with fire. On the opposite side stood another doorway. John did not stop to wonder at this chamber, but continued straight toward the other side. Immediately he was rooted to the spot by a deep, booming voice. "Who dares enter this sacred place? By what right do you tempt my wrath? Speak quickly that I might know you before I snuff out your life." In a clear voice John answered, "It is I, The Wolf Knight of the Wind. I have come on an urgent errand to seek Everfire for Erica, Lady of Fire and Guardian of all Rumo." "Why does the Lady of Fire send such a one as you to seek what only she has the right to claim?" "She has fallen terribly ill and is unable to make the journey and so I have come in her stead of my own will." The booming voice released a rumble of laughter. "So, you think you can claim Everfire? You think that you will succeed where so many others have failed?" "I will do what I must for the Lady." "Very well then knight, you must first face a test of strength before you can claim the Everlasting Flame." Suddenly fires burst into life all around the chamber and from those fires stepped shapes of warriors in blood red armor and with swords that shone with a terrible light. Drawing his own sword and feeling the urgency of his quest upon him, John reached down into himself and called upon the Wolf within. A snarl and a howl escaped his lips as he leapt into battle, his sword a mere flash of light as it slashed this way and that, felling foe after foe. Again and again his sword fell with such ferocity that even these wraiths of fire and steel quailed and fled. When all had been slain or driven off, john sheathed his sword and proceeded thought the second door. He wasn't in the tunnel long before it opened onto a chamber identical to the one he had just left. This chamber, however, was filled, from wall to wall, with gold and jewels and every sort of precious thing imaginable. A narrow path down the middle of the chamber led to another door and the booming voice rang out again. "Now, you must face a test of will. In this chamber is wealth beyond imagining as well as artifacts of such great power that he who possesses them could rule all the world. Now you must make your choice. All of these wondrous things are yours to do with what you will, in exchange for the abandonment of your quest. Turn back now and you will find all of these things waiting for you when you return to your home. Proceed and all of this shall be lost to you forever. Choose." The full weight of comprehension fell upon him then as images of what he could do with such wealth and power, of all the evils that he could conquer, the lives that he could improve with what was being offered him. What was one life against many? All these things passed though his mind in an instant and the next they were gone, replaced with a single burning motivation. He did not walk, but he ran down the narrow aisle between the mountains of gold and through the third door. He did not look back, though he could tell by a sudden of the lessening of the light behind him that all the treasures had vanished forever. He came into the third chamber and froze. Sitting before him, it's massive wings folded against it's crimson body, it's yellow eyes boring into him like beams of light, was an enormous dragon. For a moment the two just stared at each other and John felt as if the dragon was searching his very soul. Then the dragon said, "I am Firion the Great, Guardian of the Everlasting Flame and you, John SilverWolf have passed the third test. Your heart is true and you have proven yourself worthy to claim Everfire." The dragon shifted it's body to reveal a tree that was engulfed in flame, but that was not consumed by it. John stepped forward and felt the blazing heat of the fire and could go no further. Firion then extended a single claw toward the tree and scooped out a some of the flames as if he were picking apples. A silver flask appeared out of thin air and Firion siphoned the flames into it. When he had replaced the stopper and handed it to John he said, "Now go, the Lady of Fire is fading fast and it has fallen to you to save her. Go with all speed and the blessings of Firion." "Thank you, my lord. I shall not fail." and with that he turned and dashed out the way he had come. When he emerged from the mountain side he could see the sky turning gray in the east and he could hear the first few birds begin to sing their welcome to the coming dawn. He bounded down the mountain and reached the camp just as Raxos was readying the fire for breakfast. "No time for food my friend." he shouted as he readied Roshta's harness, "We must ride with all speed at once." Surprised and a little disappointed by the sudden dismissal of breakfast, he quickly readied his steed and within fifteen minutes they were thundering northward with the silver flask tucked tightly against John's breast. The days and night's flew by and finally, heaving and panting they came to a halt inside the gate at Castle Pyrasa. A short while later, John was holding the silver flask to Erica's lips and as the fire poured down her throat and spread all throughout her body she revived. She stood and went to the window, breathing in the morning air. She turned to them all and laughed, a strong, clear laugh full of mirth. That day a great feast was held to celebrate the Lady's return to health and the festivities lasted long into the night. The Lady and the Knight sat in her garden looking up at the pale moon sailing through the night sky. They said nothing. They didn't need to.


Until the next time...

Of Knights and Princesses Part 1: The Wind and The Water

John's Story =]

Once upon a time, in a land now lost to fairytales, there was a princess who lived in a castle on the sea. Of course, you are probably thinking that I mean that her castle was by the sea, but there you would be mistaken. Her castle was on the sea, that is to say it floated upon the waves. This was no ordinary castle for she was no ordinary princess. This was the Castle Aqua Marina and she was the Lady Rebekah, Princess of the Water. The towers and parapets of Aqua Marina shown of coral and peal and glistened in the sunlight reflecting off the water, her banners fluttered in the sea breezes and her battlements were manned by guards in shining mail that resembled the scales of fish. Aqua Marina was famous, not only for it's beauty and strength, but also for the grand balls that the Lady of Water often hosted. Many fair lords and ladies traveled from far and wide to attend these extravagant parties, including a certain knight who came from a far away country. this knight had long been a friend of the Lady and was always welcome in her court. Few enough knew his right name, but all knew him as the Wolf Knight of the Wind. A mighty warrior was he who had fought in many battles and had gained many victories by virtue of his valor, cunning and prowess. While the Wolf Knight was terrible in battle, he was always known as a kind and generous man in times of peace and was a marvel to see at parties.

While Aqua Marina was by no means a stranger to guests, on this day her halls were empty but for it's normal inhabitants. The Lady Rebekah was in her chamber looking out upon the water that she loved so much and her heart was troubled. Strange tidings had she heard of late, tales of darkness and of dread. A shadow had crept into her realm like some creature rising from the blackest depths to rear it's ugly head against the peace of her realm. a knock at her door brought her our of her thoughts. "Come" she said. A servant entered and bowed, "The Wolf Knight of the Wind to see you m'lady." The Wolf Knight entered and bowed to the Lady. she nodded at her servant, "Thank you Perseus, that will be all." "Yes m'lady." he said as he bowed out of the room. The princess and the knight looked at each other for a moment, then she smiled. The knight bowed and said, "Lady Rebekah, I am at your service, as always." She laughed, "Come now, John, surely we can dipense with the formalities by now." He smiled back, "One must give respect where respect is due, m'lady." She brushed aside his explanation and gestured to the seat facing the one she had just taken. "May I offer you something to eat or drink?" she said, offering a platter of sandwiches and pointing to a pitcher of crystal filled with the purest rain water. "Yes, please." he said. After they had snacked and chatted for a while about this and that they turned to more serious matters; the reason, in fact, that John had come with such haste to her summons. "John, I will speak plainly. I have need of your sword. Long ago you swore that it would be t my service whenever I called. Well, I am calling for it now. A shadow has crept into my realm, a blackness that darkens my fair waters and threatens the welfare of my subjects." "Whence came this darkness and what is it's purpose?" John asked. "I do not know, but I've had envoys from the Dolphins, the Sea Turtles, the Reef folk, even the Sharks knocking at my gates requesting an audience." "The Sharks are coming to you for aid in battle?" he asked in surprise, "This must indeed be serious." She nodded and then said, "That is why I have called you here. I sent a squad of my best men to investigate these claims last week and they haven't been heard from. I fear the worst for them, but more than that I have a feeling in my heart that this darkness is more than I can handle on my own." "Have you sent to your other allies? What of Pyrasa? Forestia? Skylos?" "I have sent messengers to them as well as to Desertium and Montanera." "Well? Have you had any responses?" "Erica and Devon have not responded yet, Stephanie and Nancy have expressed sympathy and a willingness to help, but I don't know what help they can render and their soldiers are ill equipped for marine combat, Ashley has promised to send her forces to patrol the skies and send word of trouble, but if the enemy comes from the deeps they may not be of much help. Which is why I need your help." "I will do what I can, m'lady." "Thank you, John." John rose and bade Bekah farewell. He had not brought any of his troops with him and there was no time now to send for them. The Oceanic Army would have to do. The soldiers of the sea were hardy and fell. It would take a powerful enemy indeed to overpower even a small force of Marines. He sought out one Major Nemo and gave him the official seal of the Lady of the Water, thereby authorizing him to mobilize whatever force he deemed necessary to meet this threat. He had chosen Nemo because of their past experiences in combat and because the reputation his battalion had made for themselves had earned them the name the Sea Wolves; needless to say John liked the Major's style. The entire battalion embarked from the castle to the sweet calls of silver trumpets. They rode upon the Great Sea Horses that the Lady bred for her Army's private use. The Wolf Knight's mount was a silvery gray beast called Stormcrest. They raced along the sea floor, scattering shoals of fish in their haste. For they had received a distress call from a village called Sandolara. They sliced throught the water like knives, bubbles streaming out behind them in the wake of their speed, but when they arrived at Sandolara, it was to find the village in ruins. The once thriving market town was now a somber cemetery where the dead were left unburied, but scattered here and there in the streets and in doorways. No fish came near this place of death and desolation. Anger burned in the hearts of the Marines as they searched for survivors and found none. There was a foul taste in the water that mingled itself with the blood and the sorrow to the point that it was nearly unbearable for even the stoutest of the Marines. They went about burying the dead and when they had finished they searched for some sign that would tell them whither their prey had gone. On the edge of the ruined town there was a small cave and there the knight found a young sea lad cowering in the shadowed recess of his hiding place. "Come out from there boy, no one will hurt you now." The boy did as he was told and floated facing the fell warrior before him. The lad had never seen so many soldiers before and he was frightened. He was pale and his lip quivered slightly as he looked from one grim face to the next, but his attention was soon called back to the Knight. "What happened here,boy? Who did this? Which way did they come from and whither did they go?" The boy whimpered pitifully and a tears began to fill his eyes. The Knight put his hand on the lad's shoulder and knelt down to bring them face to face with each other. "Help me find them, boy. Help me find them and we will avenge the deaths of your friends and neighbors." The boy swalloed the lump that was rising in his throat and described what he had seen; the dark scales, the yellow eyes, the black armor of the creatures that had ravaged his kinfolk. When he had told all he could he pointed the way that the horde had took when they had had their fill of carnage. They quickly followed the trail and took the boy with them as far as a nearby ridge where they left him in the care of a pod of dolphins that the Knight had instructed to see him safely back to Aqua Marina where he was to be cared for by the Lady. On and on they went, here and there seeing signs that their quarry had passed this way. Finally they came to the top of an underwater hill and down in the seavalley below they saw the horde. They were indeed as fearsome as the lad had described. Ugly, brutish, with hearts as black as their armor. There were, perhaps, eleven thousand creatures noisily making camp in the sea valley and the Knight had a single battalion of six hundred and sixty Marines. He turned to them all and said "Our enemy is before us, our homes are behind us. We have no time to call for reinforcements. A choice is now before us. do we go and return with greater numbers and risk the lives of the next village that this horde happens upon? Or do we take them now, outnumbered as we are, and avenge the lives already lost? What say you? Major Nemo looked at his men, a cold fury burning in every eye, then he turned to the Knight and said, "We're with you, sir. To victory or death." The wolf Knight donned his helm and drew his sword. "Forward men, let's show these beasts what it means to fight with Wolves." And with a mighty howl they uirged their steeds forward and in a torrent of foam and fury they smashed into the unsuspecting flank of the horde. They drove deep in to their midst before the enemy could gather their wits and rally a defense against this sudden onslaught. They were outnumbered by many times, but still they fought on. Their swords slashed through the water like barracudas and everywhere the water was darkened by the dark blood of those foul creatures and by the valiant red of the Sea Wolves. When all was said and done and the Wolves took account of their losses, one fourth of their number had been slain. One hundred and sixty-five souls sought the halls of their forebears to drink the wine of the victorious dead. Not a single Horde-Beast had survived the battle. The Horde-chief lay hewn before the Knight's feet. They gathered their dead and buried them on the edge of the battlefield, they raised a mound over them and set up a marker to serve as a reminder to all who passed by of what had happened here. The bodies of the beasts they piled in a heap far from the mound and left them for the sharks and eels and assorted scavengers that were even now making their way onto the field to claim their share of the spoils of war. They would never dare disturb the mound lest they stir up the wrath of the Sea Wolves and all Marines. The Knight and Major Nemo led the remaining men back to Aqua Marina where they were welcomed by fanfare and flowers. Meade and wine flowed from every cup and the celebrations lasted long into the night. A moment of silence was observed during the festivities out of respect for those who had lost their lives and many a glass was raised in toast to the memory of the dearly departed. The Lady stood by the Knight and watched her courtiers as they reveled. "I owe you a great debt. Thank you for saving my kingdom." "Your thanks should go to Major Nemo and his batallion, they saved your kingdom, I just helped to lead them in the right direction." "All the same, I'm glad that you came." "So am I, m'lady, so am I." The moon rose high over Aqua Marina and the stars reflected their light off of the dark ocean so that it seeemd the castle floated in the night sky. And so it was that the Wind and the Water bade each other goodnight as the ever lapping waves sang a sweet lullaby until at last all the castle slept in peace.

This is generally the part where one would expect to read the words The End, but as this is not the end of the story nor is there ever an end to any story really, I shall instead say to you, until the next time...

One Nation Under One King

Working at my church has taught me one important thing. God speaks to you a lot more when you take time out of your busy schedule each day to just talk with him. During my prayer time today I grabbed the Fire Bible that's been sitting in Ground Zero with no name in it for months, and so I decided no one is claiming it and so I was going to keep it unless someone came looking for it. You know how most bibles have book marks already made into them, well fire bibles have two, and the two book marks were both in Ezekiel 37:15-28 which is about the two kingdoms of Israel being united as one. Two sticks were taken one from Judah and one from Ephraim and united into Ezekiel's hands to represent the union of these two kingdoms. You know, what's strange? This is found in Ezekiel. Also, what's strange is the passage mentions peace, and mentions union, and mentions saving from sinful backsliding. "They will never again be two nations or be divided into two kingdoms. They will no longer defile themselves with their idols and vile images or with any of their offenses, for I will save them from all their sinful backsliding, and I will cleanse them. They will be my people, and I will be their God."

Last night, I was in service and gave everything in my life to God. Especially in a certain area. It's still His. I am done having a slow fade, but the devil tried to make me fall again as I started to spazz. So I spazzed for awhile last night after service. However, today during prayer I got hit in the face with this scripture. I could just be reading into things, but the way I took it is that right now I am one kingdom. My future guy whoever he may be (John or not) is another kingdom, and he is going to unite us together into one. Yes, I understand that's what marriage is, but it was kinda important to me to read today. And it was in Ezekiel, my future son's middle name. I don't know. God has strange way's of making me think. No, i'm not thinking omg John marriage meeee. I am thinking, hey, He really does have it in control. It really is going to be okay. So, I guess the point of this blog is to get it out there that I am done having a slow fade. That I am done slowly dying. This is my accountability blog. I no longer will fall, because through Christ all things are possible. I will run. I won't sit. It's over with. I am going to be strong. If it's meant to be, God will bring it to pass. I feel free for the first time in a long time, and it feels great. I can't wait to be One Nation Under One King, and that will be the Lord Jesus Christ.

I am blessed.

God has blessed me with the greatest group of friends anyone could ask for. They are always there for me through all the trials that are thrown in my face, and they always care and make me smile. It's going to be so difficult when I leave for college, because even though I won't be that far away some of the people I care about most are gonna be even farther. With Hoffman and Nancy going to Gainsville it's gonna be difficult to just SEE them because they will be over 3 hours away from me. It's going to be hard leaving Orlando area...but I will do EVERYTHING to come back every chance I get and to go visit everyone important to me. I believe I have found my core. The people I am friends with now, like my best friends, I believe they are gonna be the group I am ALWAYS best friends with. I can't see any of us ever leaving each other. I have really been blessed. I thank God for them every day of my life, because I honestly would not have made it without them.

Life as an Intern

The last 3 weeks, I have been an intern at Glad Tidings Assemblies of God, Ocoee. This is the church I've attended for the past 10 years. I love it. Every bit of it. I work monday-thursday 9Am-4:30 Pm, and on Fridays 9-12. I've learned so much about the ministry these past 3 weeks. I've learned how much work it takes to make something happen, and how I need to always be on call. I also learned we need to not complain or argue about anything (Philippians 2). You know, the best thing about the internship, is how I have prayer from 9-9:30. It is during that time that I believe I have really felt God impact me in different ways. Now, either July 29th or August 12th I will be preaching a 20-30 minute sermon on wednesday night. I'm excited and scared all at the same time. I just pray God will give me the words to say.

I really think I need to update this more often. I went back and read all my old posts and it's amazing reliving those emotions in different eyes.

The Rain

You know, there is something special about the rain. Something that I really can't find the words to describe the beauty of. You won't be able to understand what I am talking about until you feel the power of the rain for yourself. The rain takes away the old, as it brings the new. The drops fall in a certain pattern, and land in the exact place they are designed to fall. Without the rain there would be no beginning. Nothing new would be able to form, and all nature would slowly fade. When the rain falls, there is always going to be that girl who is standing in her street dancing through the storm. In the moment--that girl is me. As I stand in the midst of natures greatest gift, I feel the sorrows of yesterday being washed away and joy being brought into my heart. The rain slowly touches my silky cheek but with time it turns into a violent storm. The lightning strikes, and the thunder crashes and I can't help but stand in the middle of this dark scene. I twirl in the wind, and the dark sky becomes eerie to all who look upon it. However, the rain, which is now strong and mighty calms my heart. In the rain I am strong, and in the rain I am alive. It is through the rain I can breathe, and through the rain I can dance. I thank God for the gift of rain. It is through the feeling of rain, I have been able to conquer life's greatest trials. I can't describe the feeling, but that is the beauty of the experience.

So, i'm in kids church and in the skit today my character who is a karate master, (chuckina foo) wore Robotic Pants. She was angry because she bought it off ebay but the mail place mixed it up and instead of sending her the Kick Master 5000 sent her the Dancin' Machine 2.0. They made my character dance like crazy when I heard music. At one point they were playing music and I was screaming NOOO NOT AGAIN MAKE IT STOPPP. And I fell on the floor and hit the boys glass buddy barrell thing. My toe hurts sooo bad. But i got back up and was saying how I was supposed to be Jackie Chan not a Jonas Brother. Then I told everyone how once I was at a store and I started dancing to the jingles and this guy stopped me and asked me if I ever heard of the show "So You Think You Can Dance" and he told me I should try out for it....and I'd use the fame and money to give to missionaries so they can tell others about Jesus....yeah amazing skit

Lord, Why Me?

Have you ever wondered why me? This question constantly has been circulating my mind the last few weeks. I have constantly found myself in a place where I get on my hands and knees and scream out to God asking him why. Why do I have to be so strong, when inside I feel so weak? Why do I have to be the one to be so sure about everything, when nothing is ever sure? Why am I the one who gets hurt? Why do I have to always put on a smile? Why Lord, why me? I believe the answer to this question, can be answered through the question, Lord why not me? I believe I am blessed in my life, and I believe God has given me a wonderful gift. Everyday I question why, but instead I should be giving Him praise. I should praise His name for my strength, I should praise His name for sharing my future with me even when others may not know it, I should praise Him for the pain that I feel because although it tairs me down it teaches me and molds me and allows me to be stronger, I should praise Him for allowing me to always smile even through the storms. I have neglected praise, and instead have only questioned. When I know that God will be my shelter, when He will be my provider, my shoulder, and my answer why do I persist to fight Him? I believe it's out of fear. I believe that I have lived in fear my whole life, and I have let it take over my life. I will tell you the truth. I am scared of the future. I am so afraid that I will be a screw up in life. But I refuse to be another statistic. I refuse to let fear destroy me, and allow myself to fall into temptation. 1 Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man, and God is faithful. He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted He will provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

I pray everyday that God will help me throughout life and allow me to see myself for who I am. For those of you who really know me, you know I suffer with low self esteem. I have suffered from that my whole life, and it's not only my downfall, but it's a daily struggle, it's a deception from the King of Deception himself, Satan. Although I know it's an attack from the Devil, I have yet to figure out how to conquor it. All my friends offer words of encouragement, but I push it away and tend to think they are lying to me because they are my friends. I know it's not the truth, I know that God has made me beautiful. Psalms 139:13-14 "For You created me in my inmost being, You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." However, although I know the truth the problem is seeing the truth. My biggest battle is with Satan, and I let him win. But now, I refuse to let him win anymore. Why let Satan win, when I have Jesus on my side? It seems sort of ridiculous to me. From this day forward I make it my priority when attacked with words of destruction to turn them into words of life. Jesus spoke life, and we are called to live a life after Christ.

I don't know where this entire epiphany came from. It could be from the pain I am feeling inside, or it could simply be from God the Father Himself. I am choosing to go with it's from God. I praise His name for opening my eyes and allowing me to see the destruction and the death I am causing myself. I will praise Him through the storms, I will praise Him through the battles. Forever will I praise Him. I feel that a massive burden has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel stronger, and I feel ready to take on Satan. Whom shall I fear?

Tux Shopping!

I went tux shopping today with John for prom. His blue vest does not match my blue, but it's okay. I don't care lol. It's the best we could do. We is ghetto. I love it. He's so awkward when it comes to these things. It reminds me of my father. I laughed. We are both gonna be really awkward on Saturday, we aren't really the formal type of people. However, tux shopping made me think of the future with my husband whoever he does happen to be. I thought of my husband getting his tux for the big day, it made me smile. I can and can't wait till that day. I have awhile though. I'm still really excited about Saturday. He picks his tux up at noon so I must remind him. He sucks at memory. I also must remind him to return it on sunday, that loserface. :) we'll church is gonna start soon so I must go. I need to start updating this more.

Hawaiian.

I am going to update this from my phone, because I am that cool. Ever since last night I have been in a extremely happy mood. I keep laughing and I love it. I blame Samantha and Sergio for it. Hahaha, I love them I really do. I think this weeks gonna be a good week. I have the best visual for my sermon ever that my dad came up with. I swear my Dad could of been a Pastor, just most people wouldn't like him because he thinks differently, but he really is very spiritual, like God has blessed him with not conforming with the "stereotypical christian views" and he is being shown things we can't see because he isn't tied down to what the norm is. I'm glad I grew up with him as my Dad, because it's taught me to dig deeper all the time and to think for myself, not to just take what Pastor's say as truth. I really look up to my dad. I'm in band class right now, and I'm just thinking and, laughing at Sam when she texts me, and wanting food, but I has none. I offically have 2 text messages waiting for me. So this is goodbye.

Dude.

Yeah. So did you know that the Japanese manachurists scare me? They is all like HONNG CHONNG FONG WONGGGG. Yeah. Scary stuff. I need to find the flower thing. I don't know where though. Where do you find flower things for tuxedos? Walmart? Bahh. No poke.... SWOOOSHHHH!

Princesses, Wild and Free

Princesses, Wild And Free
By John Foarde
For : Stephanie Parker, Rebekah Bentley, Erica Rumeau, Devon Flannery and Ashley Smith (that's the order of the princesses in the poem, I is the Princess of the sea =] )

There is a legend that I know,
Five ladies, winged and fair,
They gaurd the heights and down below,
All the Earth is in their care.

I see them when I watch the stars,
I smell them in the thunder storms,
I hear them in the spring bird's song,
I feel them in the sun so warm.

One soars amidst the forest trees,
All woodland creatures seek her face,
The bear and squirrel come bend their knees,
No wolf nor dear can keep her pace.

She rules her realm on verdent wings,
From her treetop home in the Secret Glade,
Her feathers, soft and precious things,
With hues of emerald and jade.

One lady reigns o'er the sea,
The ebbing, flowing tide,
All waters are her sovereignty,
All waters, far and wide.

Her wings reflect the ocean scene,
A soft and sweet azure,
But also with a touch of green,
Like the waves that slap the shore.

One has her kingdom everywhere,
For hers is one of flame,
Her spirit like her fiery hair,
Is one that won't be tamed.

Her wings are like a forest blaze,
Or the fiery mountain's flow,
A warmth is in her lovely face,
As a cheerful campfire's glow.

One lady rules the mountain peaks,
Her fortresses of stone,
The wayward traveler her favor seeks,
To find him safely home.

Her wings, deep purple, as the mountain face,
When the sun is just past gone,
And again before he takes his place,
In the hour before dawn.

One lady calls the skies her home,
The birds her closest friends,
Up above the clouds she roams,
Her kingdom has no end.

Her wings are like the sky she loves,
A light and airy blue,
She dances on the winds above,
With freedom pure and true.

This legend that I've come to tell,
Five ladies, winged and fair,
Is but my fantasy's portrayal,
Of friends that I hold dear.

Their every smile warms my heart,
For I look at them and see,
A sweet glimpse of their counterparts,
Princesses, wild and free.

Everyone wants to feel like someone cares, someone to love with my life in their hands.

Written By: John Michael Foarde
For: Rebekah Marie Bentley and Stephanie Diane Parker

Ladies sit before the mirror only seeing flaws.
They pine for what they do not see and it always gives me pause.
I wonder how these princesses as lovely as they are.
Can never look into the glass and just see past their scars.
They sit cross-legged on the floor scanning with baleful eyes.
They touch their hair, their nose, their mouth, and sigh their heavy sighs.
They cannot see what I see, the precious flowers that I know.
Dancing round the room like winter songbirds in the snow.
They do not hear the sweetness of their voice like summer rain.
They don't feel sorrow slip away when I see their face again.
They don't feel the lonely cold melt into joyous rays of sun.
When like the does in springtime with their bare feets they run.
My heart breaks when their tears fall just like the autumn leaves
That fall onto the frosty ground from the slowly sleeping trees.
They rushed into my heart just like the mountain brooklet flows.
And wherever they may float in life, there my heart shall go.
Like a snowflake looked at closely, they are splendidly unique.
Beautiful and flawless though they can never seem to see.
Forever I'll watch over them, these princesses of mine.
Forever I'll watch over them, my angels with blind eyes.

The Notebook

Is probably one of the most tear jerking movies I have ever seen. I don't cry during movies, but everytime I watch the Notebook I bawl. Last night was horrible because it caused me to be depressed though. :(

Lead Me To The Cross

So, I've officially been 18 for four days now. It's been a strange four days. I really feel so stressed with college, and it's making me sleep less. I'm also thinking more then usual about my future, and everything in it, and to tell you the truth I'm scared. I'm scared to someday get married. I'm scared to someday be a mother. I'm scared to follow God's will and be a Children's minister. But, through the fear, I know God has everything in His arms. He holds me everyday, and He wants me to realize that I belong to Him. So, I give my life to Him. The fear will be there, but the constant worrying, and sleepless nights will begin to vanish as long as I focus on knowing God has it in His hands.

I don't exist.

According to the federal government I do not exist. I found this humerous, but also quite depressing at the same time. I filed my FAFSA a few weeks ago, and in order to do that you have to give them your social security number. Well, today I get home and see mail from FAFSA and I was expecting to hear about my status. Well, I did find out my status, my status is I need to fix things on my FAFSA. So, I looked at what it said was wrong, and they said my name does not match up with the one on my Social Security. I believe my name is Rebekah M Bentley, and I know I put the right ssn, I even went and checked, my social security card even says REBEKAH BENTLEY, on it. But according to FAFSA, which is federal financial aid, I do not exist lol. I need to figure out how to fix this, because I need financial aid really badly...

Also, I need to burn the happy shirt. Ever since the first time I wore it something bad had happened. lol, and so I wore it today and I had a crummy day, and John's arm is apparently in a sling now because he hurt his wrist. It's the happy shirts fault, it's filled with evil. lol, I don't really believe that, but it's very weird that when I wear it something bad happens. My friends have gotten to the point if they see me wearing that shirt they get away from me. It's kind of sad.

So, I turn 18 in 6 days. I see Samantha saturday and i'm pretty darn excited!

Pineapple Heart.

I love you Samantha! I just felt like telling you that through a blog. =]

I Love Pi.

Pi day is coming up. I'm pretty excited. I have to memorize pi for math class for extra credit. Every digit equals 1 point of extra credit. I shall type all that I know so far.

3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510582097494459230781640628620899862803482 (I think thats all right...)

The Way The World Turns.

The last week has been a very interesting and hard week. So much has happened, and I can't seem to cry, although I feel I really need to. I always cry, so I don't understand why I can't right now. People have decided they like to be dumb this past week, and the level of disrespect I am seeing is repulsive. It's not only teenagers but it's also adults. Adults gossip so much, and when you are gossiping about someone in front of a teenager be careful what you say. Today I experienced the band parents talking crap about my band director. I adore Lamos, and I felt I needed to stick up for him. But I wasn't gonna be disrespectful so I just got up from where I was and whispered I was tired of the negativity. But it's true. So what we went to assessment and couldn't get graded because our band couldn't play the required grade level pieces, so instead of sounding bad he had us play lower level pieces so we sounded good. It's not about the grade, it's about the music. Music is beautiful, and it should be about how you feel when you play it, not about getting a superior. I am proud of my band, and proud to be apart of it. For what we played we sounded amazing, and I think the judges should of given us a grade, but it's the rules. We played, and we played good, that's all that matters. I just find it repulsive when parents are speaking wrongly about someone who has only done good for their child by instilling music into their lives.

Well, as you can see I went to MPA today (music performance assessment) for band, and it was held at Ocoee High. I was soo happy I got to see so many of my friends from Ocoee, and I saw my west orange friend, and my apopka friends so it was a pretty good time. Minus Daniels ex calling me and cussing me out for "stalking" daniel and for "liking daniel", and the stupid band parents my days been okay. No, I do not like Daniel, and I do not stalk him. I love John though for protecting me. He's amazing.

How theTime Goes.

For the longest time now I have stopped writing in here and have been writing more on paper. I'm not exactly sure why, I assume it's because I have so much to say and a lot of it I don't want some people to ever find, so I write it on paper. I don't know. I need to start writing in here again. It's the best way I express myself minus through my music. So, starting today I will start updating every chance I get.

A lot has been going on recently. I've come to the realization I am supposed to be attending bible college, and so I applied to Southeastern. I'm waiting to send my Christian recommendation and Academic recommendation because Pastor Gary and Mr.Lamos are slow at filling those out. But, after I send it, I should know soon if thats where I'll be next year. I think it is. Lamos is pretty angry i'm number 18 in my school and didn't get accepted to UCF. He doesn't understand how I can be in the top 5% of my school and not make it into that school, but I decided it was because God wants me in bible college. It's a hard thing for me, when I won't have a marching band, but slowly i'm falling in love with the idea.

So lately, i've seemed less caring then normal. I guess it's because I got really close to this friend I made, and I cared for him a lot for only knowing him for such a short time, and everything blew up in my face because of my caring. We talked everyday really late, and then I finally really met him, and he stopped talking to me. It hurt because I cared, and only wanted to see him happy. We got into an arguement before we met about my caring, and he told me not to, and he yelled at me. I don't know. Maybe, I do care to much. But, I can't just change that. I've been thinking a lot recently, and that's why i've seemed kind of out of it, or not in tune with everything because i'm trying to figure out my life. I hate caring, and then it blowing up in my face, but I guess that's always going to happen with me.

Recently however, my heart has been fine with the whole John situation. I know I love him, and I know theres something special between us, that I can't exactly explain. He's an amazing guy, and i've finally just given it up to God. The last time I saw him we had this really deep conversation, and I saw a deeper look into his mind set and I fell more in love with him then ever. But, I also realized that I needed to let it go, and God would take care of his promises in my life. So for now, he's my best friend, and although I feel something strong with him, I've given it up to God. It makes me happy to know we can talk, and I won't feel pain.

Well, minus the massive stress that's been going on in my life, I've been going through a lot of weird emotions lately. I can't explain them, but I need God more then ever. I also need Erica.I havn't seen her in a month. I hope to see her soon. )= I guess that's the gist of all that's been going on..I'm sitting on my brothers bed watching him play xbox.I havn't done this in forever. I used to do it all the time.

Serenade.

The sun rises, and silence creeps from the earth. The ocean stirs, and all of God’s creatures begin to awaken as a new day forms in the silence and in the light. Back in the city there is seen a girl, one who is only 17, but yet she awakens to the brand new day wishing for more then she had before. She yawns letting go of the dreams that were bestowed upon her during the night. The dreams she had of him, and of being carried away into the night sky. The day brings upon new challenges, and she faces them all each day. She looks first at her sister who is sound asleep and who is still only 14 and has so much learning about life. The beauty of the life before her had brought gratefulness to her heart. Her sister was her best friend and her loving joy. She watched every breathe praying to God that she wouldn’t feel the same pain she felt each day. As she prayed she grabbed her bag to head out the door for another day of attack. She had no army, and she was all alone. She was at war with no earthly mate but herself, and she planned to fight back with all she had. The day had begun and this day she was prepared for whatever would be thrown her way. The tears fell down her face as the enemy attacked her with fiery arrows of loneliness, of inferiority, of rage, and of fear. The enemy knew her weakest points, and each day would attack the same area to bring her to her downfall. The girl hardened her heart, and became quick to revolt against the enemy. She needed an army, but she had been betrayed by one before and so she refused to ask for help. The pain had swelled to a new height in the girl’s life, and those around her began to see the impacts of the enemy. The tears formed and fell each night until finally the young girl came in contact with the commander of the army. The commander came unexpectedly and He whipped away every tear from her eye. Instead of the girl fighting the battle alone she now had a savior. This savior took one swipe at the enemy and he was never allowed to touch her again. The girl fell to her knees in astonishment and wept in joy at all the commander had done for her. She knew she hadn’t deserved a single thing, but yet He showed love when the world showed pain. The day finally came to an end, and the silence began to fall over the city and over the world once again. The birds chirped one last time, and the ocean was the only voice left on the earth through the night. The girl sat alone in the field in this silence looking at the stars. The commander told her that the stars were hers, and that when she looked at the stars she would find that love she longed for. The moon was bright and illuminated everything around the girl, but yet she still felt empty inside. She took to heart what the commander said, and believed that somewhere someplace her true love, her prince was looking at the stars and at the moon thinking of her too. She went back to her room, and sighed heavily as she looked into the sky one last time. She whispered one last prayer to the Lord who saved her through the day, and closed the door. She lay down on her bed, and all the thoughts of what would come swirled like butterflies in the sky. She smiled as she slowly began to slip away into her dream land once more as she began the cycle once again. Her dreams consisted of fairytales, of her being a princess and finding her prince and living happily ever after. This fairytale was like no other, for her prince was not only handsome and lovely in everyway, but he could bring reality. He made her feel real and he brought joy to her life. The words he said captured her heart, and she knew he was made just for her. This hopeless romantic slept peacefully through the nights with dreams surrounding her, and the moon shown brightly just for her as the stars gathered up in the sky and pointed down on the man she would marry. As she slept nature was wide awake, silently outlining her future. The Father in heaven smiled as he saw her sleep, and as he saw him sleep, knowing that one day they would do great works together for His kingdom. What a perfect plan the Lord thought, as He kissed His creation on her cheek letting her know she was safe throughout the night and throughout the day.

For Better Or For Worse

Advice: When a girl/guy is crazy about you and you know this but you claim to only love them as a friend do not tell them you love them for better or for worse.

I Just Fell Into Your Arms.

Last night I had this dream, that has inspired me beyond reason into writing a short story. I have yet to decide if I actually will because I suck at short stories. This is how my dream went. I remember being with friends and apparantly I had a seizure, this seizure caused me to fall out of the sky (lol. this part of my short story will be more realistic), into the most amazing guys arms. He was ice skating. He caught me, and saved my life. I was unconscious however, so I did not know anything about this until later my friends tell me that the guy ice skating saved my life and caught me in his arms. I get up, and I walk over to him, to thank him, and he gives me the most adorable smile. I fell hard, like I did when I fell into his arms. I ended up having to go to the hospital to check out my seizure, and he came with me, and he told me the best thing that ever happened to him was the moment I fell into his arms. He said he knew right away that I was the one he wanted forever. I was happy. The sad part was, he disappeared the next day. It felt like he was to good to be true, and I looked everywhere for him. I was with Rhonda, and I was crying my eyes out because I was in love with this boy, and he was no where to be found. We went into her car to search for him, and we searched all over the city. Somehow, I visioned him being with another girl, and it made no sense to me when he said he loved me? The other girl was my friend. (As I type this...I actually think I know what this relates too...I didn't get this until seriosuly JUST now.) We looked everywhere for the mystery man, and then the story switched to I was on stage doing puppetry for a group of kids, and I was happy, but deep down, there was a missing part of me that longed for the mystery man. Then my alarm went off...which angers me, because I wonder if I ever found him again..I guess I have to write that part of the story right?

Whatever Words I Say, I Will Always Love You.

So, John went to the hospital again for seizures on Monday. Fun right? Not really. I still havent said a word to him or seen him. He's home now. Actually, he went to work apparantly today. That's what facebook said. I wonder when i'll be able to see him. I'm ready.

I hate thinking about graduation. In 4 months so much is going to change. The friends I have i'll be departing from, and I won't be seeing most of them ever again. The ones I do see, will be the ones I care about the most and even then I'll hardly see them very much because of different colleges. It hurts more then I could ever imagine. My best friend Hoffman will be going to UF and i'll be staying in Central Florida no matter what. He's the one that i'm most worried about currently because of how far away he'll be compared to me. I've been with him since the 6th grade and now soon it'll all be over. We'll always talk, but I'll rarerly see him. It's gonna hurt, and I hate it. I hate graduation, yet I love it. It's such an emotional thought. I'm going to break down that day. =/ I'm like crying now because Hoffman mentioned how he didn't care because he only had 4 months left. That hit in a weird and hard way. I'll still have Erica, Sam, and most likely Brandon outta my school friends, but without Hoffman so much changes. If only anyone knew the journey me and him have had together. I love that boy.

It's hard to talk when I feel that You are near.

It's amazing how when you give God everything He will transform you completely and break you so he can mold you into what He wants you to be. The last few weeks I've been experiencing God in a new way, and I praise Him each and everyday. On Sunday Night, the youth band was doing worship and I was JUST about to cry when Tammy came up and started praying for me about my ministry. Well, not MY ministry about the ministry God has for me. But she started praying for it and it was just another confirmation that God has big plans for me. Later I went over to hug me, and she told me the reason she came over and did that was because she was given a vision of the ministry God will give me. She saw thousands of kids...I can't wait to see that happen. She told me not to let anything get in my path, and to always hold on to God because he has great things in store for me. I couldn't help but cry in her arms. I'm excited for God to use me to change this world.

I'll just smile my way through the days.

So, the last few days have been pretty horrible I might say, but through it all, and through the stupid fights, and people not understanding what i'm saying and calling me a liar I will grow stronger. It's so easy to misinterpret messages, and sometimes people are so easy to not read the whole thing in the way its ment to be interpreted and they blow up in this big whole twisted story, and cause a bigger problem in themselves. I actually feel sorry. Whatever, I did nothing wrong. I find it humerous that people stoop so low as to attack me in a blog. That's what you get I guess when you're the jerk.

Things have been really tough for a lot of us, and honestly the drama needs to stop. The I'll get mad at you if you'll talk crap about me but I have every right to talk crap about you because you have no feelings needs to stop. I love how some people are very good at making you feel like you are nothing in this world.

But I forgot. I'm the liar, i'm the backstabber. Yup. That's what I do. I intentionally hurt every single person I come in contact with. Sweet.

That's What You Get When You Let Your Heart Win

Have you ever had a complete flashback of certain experiences in your life? Well, that's what happened to me today. I started remembering all the guys i've ever liked, and how every single one of them i've let go due to them liking a friend of mine. It started with Tyler. He was the first crush, but I was so young back then. I still remember how it hurt though. I remember how after 4 years of liking him, I finally got the nerve to tell him because I couldn't handle it anymore. Less then a week later, he was dating my best friend Tiffany. Tiffany and I had been inseperable and we still pretty much are to this day, we arn't really amazingly close anymore but she still tells me things she tells no one else, and I'm still there when she needs me. The things is, back in middle school when she said yes to Tyler after knowing how I had the biggest crush on him, it hurt. But, I wanted them both happy. I find thats when it all started. When I always decided i'd think of other peoples happiness before my own. I did everything I could with Tyler and Tiffany to help them in their relationship. It lasted for a few months, and both of them told me everything. They both talked to me about the other person, and I still have emails from them when they dated. Like I said, I wanted them happy, so I'd do everything I could to help. Then came Scott. Again, I'd known Scott forever and he had already dated Tiffany but she said it was okay that I liked him. I liked him on and off for less then 2 years. I told him, and a few months later he started dating Sarah. Sarah and I would take walks around the church parking lots talking about him, and I'd do everything that I could to make sure they were happy. That's how I was. Then I liked Cody. That was stupid. He never dated anyone, and i'm glad I didnt date him ever, lol. He's a good kid, but not my type at all. I liked him in 8th grade for a few months and the whole time he liked Tiffany, but she was dating his brother Anthony. It was so hard everyone I ever liked falling for my best friend, or a good friend of mine. That summer I met this boy at Master Piece Gardens *church camp*, his name was Keagan,and he was sweet and amazing. I met him through sitting in the middle of the road giving out Doritos with this girl I met there named Jen. We gave out this bag one dorito at a time, and he came by and stole the whole bag. We both got up and ran after him. Later I saw him buying a shirt, and he told me his name, and I was confused. What kind of name was Keagan? But, at that moment I smiled, and I thought he was really cute. Through the week we talked more each day, and he would see me from across the camp and wave at me. It made me smile, and I got the sterotypical camp crush on him. I thought he liked me, for the first time I thought a boy I had feelings for, might return them. But the day before the camp banquet he told me how he really like this one blonde girl that was always around him. She was short, and she was pretty. It made me sad, but I never showed him. I acted completly ecstatic for him, and I told him he should tell her. He was so cute, I remember one of those light braclets exploding in his mouth. That girl and I talked a bit during camp, and she told me she liked Keagan to, and she asked me if I liked him, and I told her no. I told her that they'd be cute together, and during service we all sat by each other and Keagan took my advice, and he held her hand. It hurt a little, but I knew he was happy and that's what mattered to me. I remember the camp banquet that year, I sat with my church people, and he sat on the other side of the room. I got up to get a drink once, and he got up at the same time I swear just to talk to me. He asked me how I was doing, and asked me if I had a date for the banquet, and when I told him no he told me about that blonde girl and I told him I was happy for him and we both went and sat down. A few years later when Keagan and I started talking again, I found out she cheated on him, and that he wished he asked me instead, but he just didn't know me very well. After Keagan came the first guy to ever return feelings for me. His name was Christopher. I fell what I thought back then was hard for him. He was my best friend since 6th grade and now it was 9th grade, and we had been seperated into two different high schools. Him Apopka. and I went to Ocoee. We talked all the time as best friends, and then I'd finally see him! I was so excited for MPA with band. I sat with him, and we ended up holding hands. It felt so good. I remember feeling so good inside, and I felt the pain every other guy gave me just leave because I was with Hoffman. We never dated, it got too complicated. For two whole years he was flip-flopping between liking me and Emma and I got sick of it, and let him have Emma. This time, I didn't think of her. I didn't like her in middle school, and I didn't like her then. I stopped talking to Hoffman for a while, and then things just got weird with us. Then here comes Rigel. 10th grade was the weird year, because Hoffman was with Emma, and then Grace so I had on and off crushes with Rigel for a few months. Hoffman and I finally tried being friends again, but I was still so mad at him. Then my birthday happened. It was March 24th and I turned 16. I went to Universal with my favorite people, and thats when I met John. He turned my world as I know it upside down. He made me feel whole, and I forgot everything. He did what Hoffman had first done, but to a new level. He kissed me, and he held me in his arms. Yes, this all happened the first day I met him. But, I knew I liked him the moment he smiled at me. He was my first boyfriend. He always texted me the cutest things, and he made me feel special. But, it ended 3 weeks later. Well, it never really ended, but we stopped dating then. Things have randomly happened between us the past 2 years of knowing him, and I loved him. The thing is, he loves my best friend. He told her the other day actually how he thought he was falling in love with her. She likes him too, and I'd do anything for their happiness. Erica is my world, and Johns a big part of it. I let it go, and I want them happy. Then came Zach, boyfriend number 2. I don't have much to say about him, except I don't like him and don't see why I dated him, but he taught me a lot so I don't regret it. He ended up dating my good friend Kara, she doesn't like him anymore either. I havn't liked anyone since then. It's weird. As the years progress I slowly like less people. I was content with just John, but I can't have him, and I had to let it go.

That's my story. I wonder why I always ALWAYS let my best friends date the guys I like. It hurts doing it, but I really would prefer knowing they were happy then for me to be happy myself. I love my friends, and I'd do anything for them. I really hope they know that. I just hope someday I find the guy who will go for me, and not for my best friend, that way I won't have to let him go so he'll be happy.

Midpoint.

I'm a senior, and I'm taking my midterm exams this week. It's so weird i'm half way done with the year, which means in a half of a year I will be out of high school and on a whole new journey of college. I'm excited, and scared all in one. I took my AP Physics and AP Calculus AB exams today, tomorrow is AP Psychology and AP Macroeconomic, and then its AP English Lit and band (what a joke) lol. I think I did decent today, cosidering I don't know calculus that well. I felt like I understood what I was doing. I was proud of myself. I'm kinda worried about economics though tomorrow. That's the one class I don't know like anything in, and I just get by in. Oh well. Time to go study.

I believe You're my Healer.

Tonight God has healed me. He has took my heart and made it whole again. I can't even explain to you what He's done for me tonight. I let it all go, and I feel free. I feel happy, and I love it. So I won't be writing any more "phase" days. It's over, it's done, and it's the past. I love him, yes, that's not exactly changing, but I let it go. The pain is gone, and i'm ready to move on with my life. I'm still not going to talk to him for awhile to finish my healing process, I just got healed, but I need recovery. So, I know when I'll talk to him again. It should be in about 2 weeks. Whenever Olan goes to Flood again is when I'll talk to him because I will randomly show up at Flood with Olan. I hope it's not too much longer then 2-3 weeks. I know Olan isn't going to Flood next week, but he should be going the Sunday after. I'm happy again, and I love it. I feel like i've let go of everything that's been holding me back and I'm ready to take on the world. =] Ah, Jesus is amazing.

It's the way that he makes you cry.

Every day I have been going through different phases with this letting go of John thing. This is the titles for the days.

Day One- Extreme Emptiness Day (I missed him more then ever, and I just wanted to text him, I felt so alone and felt like a part of me had died.)
Day Two- Desire to Live A Dream Day (That night I had a dream about him, I ran after him because I wanted to talk to him, but it never happened..)
Day Three- Everywhere You Look Day (Everywhere I looked I saw him. Everything reminded me of him. This kid was talking about how he only dreamed of dinosaurs in psychology class, and of course John works at Jurassic Park, and so he came to my mind for a long time.)
Day Four- The Quiz Day (At first I had a dream that night that John texted me telling me he missed me, and loved me and that he wanted to be with me because he missed me. Then my friend sends me a quizzer quiz on myspace about what is the name of your next boyfriend? So, I take it. Out of 30 possible guy names there was, my results showed up with John. It bothered me all day)
Day Five- How I Just Want To Hug You Day ( Yeah, so I get home from church after having a flat tire and having to get AAA to come put our spare on, and I go on facebook. I guess I signed on at the worst time because I see Johns status change. He said he was blah, and didn't wanna talk about it with anyone. I had to hold back commenting his status back telling him not to be blah, and to talk about it with me because I would always be there for him. I wanted to hug him and tell him it was okay. I don't know whats wrong, and that always bothers me. A part of me wonders if its about me and if he misses me or something, but i'll never know. So I made Jannah comment his status, but he won't tell her anything.)

I think everyday I will name my battles and my struggles in a blog. I will just edit this one everyday with a new battle that has appeared trying to make me text or call him. I won't do it. I will be strong. I need it for myself. Once this blog like is no longer on the current page i'll start a new one. For the current "new" battle I will bold it.

TouchdownTurnaround.

I finally did it. I finally let him go. We both know we need time away from each other in order to focus our attention on whats important. Through this i'm hoping so many doors will open up, and so many opportunities will arise. I'm going on a journey to find myself, and on this journey he won't be apart of my life until I finish it. Its hard, but it's something I need to do for me, and for him. It feels good, yet hard at the very same time. Writing that message was the hardest thing i've ever done. As I wrote every new word the tears would come streaming down harder. But, I finally faced my fears and said everything that needed to be said. I feel as if the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders, and like i'm starting out new. Sometimes you need to let the potter break down the clay and create something new, something better and that's what i'm setting out to do. Let God take control and use me and mold me into what He wants me to be. Pray for me as I go on this journey because day one has already been hard. But i'll stick to it, and He will fix my heart.

I believed in fairy tales.

My whole life I've dreamed of fairy tales, and of meeting my prince and of someday having my midnight kiss and living happily ever after. Yes, I know in life nothing is perfect and a marriage takes a lot of work, but whenever I find my husband, he will be my happily ever after. Today was one of the hardest days of my life. My "wanna-be-happily-ever-after" began dating a very good friend of mine. Actually, it started sometime last night but I was sleeping. I woke up to a phone call from Erica at 1 am, but I ignored it and slept because I felt really sick. I wake up and listened to her voice mail and I hear her crying her eyes out, and so I text her to find out John is dating Devon. It felt like a knife went through my heart. I cried. I cried harder then I have in a very long time. She told me that he didn't want to tell me about it because "he didn't want to hurt me." When in fact through Erica telling me, and him not having the guts to tell me himself it hurt a lot worse. So many questions are left unanswered with us, and that's what continues to bother me. He texted me later that morning and said good morning dear to me like he usually does. I didn't want to reply, but I did and told him good morning. He asked how I slept, and I told him not very well, but that seemed to be the latest trend as of late. He said he wished he could help, and he frowned. He still never told me. We haven't talked since. I've been talking to different people about it all day, and I think I need time away from him. It's hard to say that, and it'll be even harder to do, but if he really cares like he says, he will again try to talk to me. He did it before when we had that fight, but if this time I don't show i'm hurt, we will see if he notices anything. Plus, I hope he doesn't. I need time away so I can get over him. I can't keep holding on to something that continues to hurt me. It's not healthy. I'm slowly killing my heart. I need Jesus now more than ever to come hold me, and comfort me. I need him to grab me in his arms and let me know it'll all be okay. I hate feeling so all alone, and so broken.

Writing.

I want to write. I really do, but I can't seem to make the words come out. So much has been on my mind lately, and I just wanna grab a pen and notebook and write. I think that's why I've been having trouble falling asleep. Something needs to be written. I just don't know what yet.

Back To School.

It was nice having Christmas Break, but now I'm back to school. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it yet. I've always loved school, but a part of me is so ready to walk across that stage and for high school to be done with. I'm ready for college. I'm ready to move on. I have a slight case of senioritis. I mean, I'm doing my work, I'm just procrastinating worse then ever. I have a project due Friday for Psychology, and I haven't done hardly any of it. I need to focus.

Hiding under the sheets, believing nobody knows.

I hate feeling this way. I don't hate people, and everyone knows I don't hate Zach. He just angers me soo much. He called me not nice words today, and Brandon brought him to my work and he gave me a "The 7 Days of Kwanza" book for a "Christmas" present. It wasn't funny. How could anyone think I would laugh at that? I was hurt, and angered. Brandon didn't even do anything to stop him, or to make it seem that he cared. We aren't on happy grounds right now and I can't stand it. Brandon told me he thought I'd think the gift was humerous, and I told him how obviously he didn't know me that well. He got mad, and he told me happy new years and now he's not talking to me. Why is he mad at me? Shouldn't I be the one mad at him? I'm his best friend, he should protect me from people being cruel, but he's not he's helping. It's stupid. I think sometimes he wishes I were like Gabby and Kelly, and I never will be. I'm Bekah, and I hate when people want me to change into something I will never be, and something I'm glad that I'm not. My heart hurts, because I miss my best friend, but he currently wants nothing to do with me. =/

John wants to run him and Zach over with a car. My dad wants to murder Zach *not literally...but..lol*. I guess I'm lucky I have people there for me. John Erica and Hoffman made me feel quite a bit better about everything. All 3 of them told me I had them no matter what, and it felt good. I just want my Brandon back. He's changed the past 2 days, and I don't like it one bit...