Whatever Words I Say, I Will Always Love You.

So, John went to the hospital again for seizures on Monday. Fun right? Not really. I still havent said a word to him or seen him. He's home now. Actually, he went to work apparantly today. That's what facebook said. I wonder when i'll be able to see him. I'm ready.

I hate thinking about graduation. In 4 months so much is going to change. The friends I have i'll be departing from, and I won't be seeing most of them ever again. The ones I do see, will be the ones I care about the most and even then I'll hardly see them very much because of different colleges. It hurts more then I could ever imagine. My best friend Hoffman will be going to UF and i'll be staying in Central Florida no matter what. He's the one that i'm most worried about currently because of how far away he'll be compared to me. I've been with him since the 6th grade and now soon it'll all be over. We'll always talk, but I'll rarerly see him. It's gonna hurt, and I hate it. I hate graduation, yet I love it. It's such an emotional thought. I'm going to break down that day. =/ I'm like crying now because Hoffman mentioned how he didn't care because he only had 4 months left. That hit in a weird and hard way. I'll still have Erica, Sam, and most likely Brandon outta my school friends, but without Hoffman so much changes. If only anyone knew the journey me and him have had together. I love that boy.

It's hard to talk when I feel that You are near.

It's amazing how when you give God everything He will transform you completely and break you so he can mold you into what He wants you to be. The last few weeks I've been experiencing God in a new way, and I praise Him each and everyday. On Sunday Night, the youth band was doing worship and I was JUST about to cry when Tammy came up and started praying for me about my ministry. Well, not MY ministry about the ministry God has for me. But she started praying for it and it was just another confirmation that God has big plans for me. Later I went over to hug me, and she told me the reason she came over and did that was because she was given a vision of the ministry God will give me. She saw thousands of kids...I can't wait to see that happen. She told me not to let anything get in my path, and to always hold on to God because he has great things in store for me. I couldn't help but cry in her arms. I'm excited for God to use me to change this world.

I'll just smile my way through the days.

So, the last few days have been pretty horrible I might say, but through it all, and through the stupid fights, and people not understanding what i'm saying and calling me a liar I will grow stronger. It's so easy to misinterpret messages, and sometimes people are so easy to not read the whole thing in the way its ment to be interpreted and they blow up in this big whole twisted story, and cause a bigger problem in themselves. I actually feel sorry. Whatever, I did nothing wrong. I find it humerous that people stoop so low as to attack me in a blog. That's what you get I guess when you're the jerk.

Things have been really tough for a lot of us, and honestly the drama needs to stop. The I'll get mad at you if you'll talk crap about me but I have every right to talk crap about you because you have no feelings needs to stop. I love how some people are very good at making you feel like you are nothing in this world.

But I forgot. I'm the liar, i'm the backstabber. Yup. That's what I do. I intentionally hurt every single person I come in contact with. Sweet.

That's What You Get When You Let Your Heart Win

Have you ever had a complete flashback of certain experiences in your life? Well, that's what happened to me today. I started remembering all the guys i've ever liked, and how every single one of them i've let go due to them liking a friend of mine. It started with Tyler. He was the first crush, but I was so young back then. I still remember how it hurt though. I remember how after 4 years of liking him, I finally got the nerve to tell him because I couldn't handle it anymore. Less then a week later, he was dating my best friend Tiffany. Tiffany and I had been inseperable and we still pretty much are to this day, we arn't really amazingly close anymore but she still tells me things she tells no one else, and I'm still there when she needs me. The things is, back in middle school when she said yes to Tyler after knowing how I had the biggest crush on him, it hurt. But, I wanted them both happy. I find thats when it all started. When I always decided i'd think of other peoples happiness before my own. I did everything I could with Tyler and Tiffany to help them in their relationship. It lasted for a few months, and both of them told me everything. They both talked to me about the other person, and I still have emails from them when they dated. Like I said, I wanted them happy, so I'd do everything I could to help. Then came Scott. Again, I'd known Scott forever and he had already dated Tiffany but she said it was okay that I liked him. I liked him on and off for less then 2 years. I told him, and a few months later he started dating Sarah. Sarah and I would take walks around the church parking lots talking about him, and I'd do everything that I could to make sure they were happy. That's how I was. Then I liked Cody. That was stupid. He never dated anyone, and i'm glad I didnt date him ever, lol. He's a good kid, but not my type at all. I liked him in 8th grade for a few months and the whole time he liked Tiffany, but she was dating his brother Anthony. It was so hard everyone I ever liked falling for my best friend, or a good friend of mine. That summer I met this boy at Master Piece Gardens *church camp*, his name was Keagan,and he was sweet and amazing. I met him through sitting in the middle of the road giving out Doritos with this girl I met there named Jen. We gave out this bag one dorito at a time, and he came by and stole the whole bag. We both got up and ran after him. Later I saw him buying a shirt, and he told me his name, and I was confused. What kind of name was Keagan? But, at that moment I smiled, and I thought he was really cute. Through the week we talked more each day, and he would see me from across the camp and wave at me. It made me smile, and I got the sterotypical camp crush on him. I thought he liked me, for the first time I thought a boy I had feelings for, might return them. But the day before the camp banquet he told me how he really like this one blonde girl that was always around him. She was short, and she was pretty. It made me sad, but I never showed him. I acted completly ecstatic for him, and I told him he should tell her. He was so cute, I remember one of those light braclets exploding in his mouth. That girl and I talked a bit during camp, and she told me she liked Keagan to, and she asked me if I liked him, and I told her no. I told her that they'd be cute together, and during service we all sat by each other and Keagan took my advice, and he held her hand. It hurt a little, but I knew he was happy and that's what mattered to me. I remember the camp banquet that year, I sat with my church people, and he sat on the other side of the room. I got up to get a drink once, and he got up at the same time I swear just to talk to me. He asked me how I was doing, and asked me if I had a date for the banquet, and when I told him no he told me about that blonde girl and I told him I was happy for him and we both went and sat down. A few years later when Keagan and I started talking again, I found out she cheated on him, and that he wished he asked me instead, but he just didn't know me very well. After Keagan came the first guy to ever return feelings for me. His name was Christopher. I fell what I thought back then was hard for him. He was my best friend since 6th grade and now it was 9th grade, and we had been seperated into two different high schools. Him Apopka. and I went to Ocoee. We talked all the time as best friends, and then I'd finally see him! I was so excited for MPA with band. I sat with him, and we ended up holding hands. It felt so good. I remember feeling so good inside, and I felt the pain every other guy gave me just leave because I was with Hoffman. We never dated, it got too complicated. For two whole years he was flip-flopping between liking me and Emma and I got sick of it, and let him have Emma. This time, I didn't think of her. I didn't like her in middle school, and I didn't like her then. I stopped talking to Hoffman for a while, and then things just got weird with us. Then here comes Rigel. 10th grade was the weird year, because Hoffman was with Emma, and then Grace so I had on and off crushes with Rigel for a few months. Hoffman and I finally tried being friends again, but I was still so mad at him. Then my birthday happened. It was March 24th and I turned 16. I went to Universal with my favorite people, and thats when I met John. He turned my world as I know it upside down. He made me feel whole, and I forgot everything. He did what Hoffman had first done, but to a new level. He kissed me, and he held me in his arms. Yes, this all happened the first day I met him. But, I knew I liked him the moment he smiled at me. He was my first boyfriend. He always texted me the cutest things, and he made me feel special. But, it ended 3 weeks later. Well, it never really ended, but we stopped dating then. Things have randomly happened between us the past 2 years of knowing him, and I loved him. The thing is, he loves my best friend. He told her the other day actually how he thought he was falling in love with her. She likes him too, and I'd do anything for their happiness. Erica is my world, and Johns a big part of it. I let it go, and I want them happy. Then came Zach, boyfriend number 2. I don't have much to say about him, except I don't like him and don't see why I dated him, but he taught me a lot so I don't regret it. He ended up dating my good friend Kara, she doesn't like him anymore either. I havn't liked anyone since then. It's weird. As the years progress I slowly like less people. I was content with just John, but I can't have him, and I had to let it go.

That's my story. I wonder why I always ALWAYS let my best friends date the guys I like. It hurts doing it, but I really would prefer knowing they were happy then for me to be happy myself. I love my friends, and I'd do anything for them. I really hope they know that. I just hope someday I find the guy who will go for me, and not for my best friend, that way I won't have to let him go so he'll be happy.

Midpoint.

I'm a senior, and I'm taking my midterm exams this week. It's so weird i'm half way done with the year, which means in a half of a year I will be out of high school and on a whole new journey of college. I'm excited, and scared all in one. I took my AP Physics and AP Calculus AB exams today, tomorrow is AP Psychology and AP Macroeconomic, and then its AP English Lit and band (what a joke) lol. I think I did decent today, cosidering I don't know calculus that well. I felt like I understood what I was doing. I was proud of myself. I'm kinda worried about economics though tomorrow. That's the one class I don't know like anything in, and I just get by in. Oh well. Time to go study.

I believe You're my Healer.

Tonight God has healed me. He has took my heart and made it whole again. I can't even explain to you what He's done for me tonight. I let it all go, and I feel free. I feel happy, and I love it. So I won't be writing any more "phase" days. It's over, it's done, and it's the past. I love him, yes, that's not exactly changing, but I let it go. The pain is gone, and i'm ready to move on with my life. I'm still not going to talk to him for awhile to finish my healing process, I just got healed, but I need recovery. So, I know when I'll talk to him again. It should be in about 2 weeks. Whenever Olan goes to Flood again is when I'll talk to him because I will randomly show up at Flood with Olan. I hope it's not too much longer then 2-3 weeks. I know Olan isn't going to Flood next week, but he should be going the Sunday after. I'm happy again, and I love it. I feel like i've let go of everything that's been holding me back and I'm ready to take on the world. =] Ah, Jesus is amazing.

It's the way that he makes you cry.

Every day I have been going through different phases with this letting go of John thing. This is the titles for the days.

Day One- Extreme Emptiness Day (I missed him more then ever, and I just wanted to text him, I felt so alone and felt like a part of me had died.)
Day Two- Desire to Live A Dream Day (That night I had a dream about him, I ran after him because I wanted to talk to him, but it never happened..)
Day Three- Everywhere You Look Day (Everywhere I looked I saw him. Everything reminded me of him. This kid was talking about how he only dreamed of dinosaurs in psychology class, and of course John works at Jurassic Park, and so he came to my mind for a long time.)
Day Four- The Quiz Day (At first I had a dream that night that John texted me telling me he missed me, and loved me and that he wanted to be with me because he missed me. Then my friend sends me a quizzer quiz on myspace about what is the name of your next boyfriend? So, I take it. Out of 30 possible guy names there was, my results showed up with John. It bothered me all day)
Day Five- How I Just Want To Hug You Day ( Yeah, so I get home from church after having a flat tire and having to get AAA to come put our spare on, and I go on facebook. I guess I signed on at the worst time because I see Johns status change. He said he was blah, and didn't wanna talk about it with anyone. I had to hold back commenting his status back telling him not to be blah, and to talk about it with me because I would always be there for him. I wanted to hug him and tell him it was okay. I don't know whats wrong, and that always bothers me. A part of me wonders if its about me and if he misses me or something, but i'll never know. So I made Jannah comment his status, but he won't tell her anything.)

I think everyday I will name my battles and my struggles in a blog. I will just edit this one everyday with a new battle that has appeared trying to make me text or call him. I won't do it. I will be strong. I need it for myself. Once this blog like is no longer on the current page i'll start a new one. For the current "new" battle I will bold it.

TouchdownTurnaround.

I finally did it. I finally let him go. We both know we need time away from each other in order to focus our attention on whats important. Through this i'm hoping so many doors will open up, and so many opportunities will arise. I'm going on a journey to find myself, and on this journey he won't be apart of my life until I finish it. Its hard, but it's something I need to do for me, and for him. It feels good, yet hard at the very same time. Writing that message was the hardest thing i've ever done. As I wrote every new word the tears would come streaming down harder. But, I finally faced my fears and said everything that needed to be said. I feel as if the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders, and like i'm starting out new. Sometimes you need to let the potter break down the clay and create something new, something better and that's what i'm setting out to do. Let God take control and use me and mold me into what He wants me to be. Pray for me as I go on this journey because day one has already been hard. But i'll stick to it, and He will fix my heart.

I believed in fairy tales.

My whole life I've dreamed of fairy tales, and of meeting my prince and of someday having my midnight kiss and living happily ever after. Yes, I know in life nothing is perfect and a marriage takes a lot of work, but whenever I find my husband, he will be my happily ever after. Today was one of the hardest days of my life. My "wanna-be-happily-ever-after" began dating a very good friend of mine. Actually, it started sometime last night but I was sleeping. I woke up to a phone call from Erica at 1 am, but I ignored it and slept because I felt really sick. I wake up and listened to her voice mail and I hear her crying her eyes out, and so I text her to find out John is dating Devon. It felt like a knife went through my heart. I cried. I cried harder then I have in a very long time. She told me that he didn't want to tell me about it because "he didn't want to hurt me." When in fact through Erica telling me, and him not having the guts to tell me himself it hurt a lot worse. So many questions are left unanswered with us, and that's what continues to bother me. He texted me later that morning and said good morning dear to me like he usually does. I didn't want to reply, but I did and told him good morning. He asked how I slept, and I told him not very well, but that seemed to be the latest trend as of late. He said he wished he could help, and he frowned. He still never told me. We haven't talked since. I've been talking to different people about it all day, and I think I need time away from him. It's hard to say that, and it'll be even harder to do, but if he really cares like he says, he will again try to talk to me. He did it before when we had that fight, but if this time I don't show i'm hurt, we will see if he notices anything. Plus, I hope he doesn't. I need time away so I can get over him. I can't keep holding on to something that continues to hurt me. It's not healthy. I'm slowly killing my heart. I need Jesus now more than ever to come hold me, and comfort me. I need him to grab me in his arms and let me know it'll all be okay. I hate feeling so all alone, and so broken.

Writing.

I want to write. I really do, but I can't seem to make the words come out. So much has been on my mind lately, and I just wanna grab a pen and notebook and write. I think that's why I've been having trouble falling asleep. Something needs to be written. I just don't know what yet.

Back To School.

It was nice having Christmas Break, but now I'm back to school. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it yet. I've always loved school, but a part of me is so ready to walk across that stage and for high school to be done with. I'm ready for college. I'm ready to move on. I have a slight case of senioritis. I mean, I'm doing my work, I'm just procrastinating worse then ever. I have a project due Friday for Psychology, and I haven't done hardly any of it. I need to focus.

Hiding under the sheets, believing nobody knows.

I hate feeling this way. I don't hate people, and everyone knows I don't hate Zach. He just angers me soo much. He called me not nice words today, and Brandon brought him to my work and he gave me a "The 7 Days of Kwanza" book for a "Christmas" present. It wasn't funny. How could anyone think I would laugh at that? I was hurt, and angered. Brandon didn't even do anything to stop him, or to make it seem that he cared. We aren't on happy grounds right now and I can't stand it. Brandon told me he thought I'd think the gift was humerous, and I told him how obviously he didn't know me that well. He got mad, and he told me happy new years and now he's not talking to me. Why is he mad at me? Shouldn't I be the one mad at him? I'm his best friend, he should protect me from people being cruel, but he's not he's helping. It's stupid. I think sometimes he wishes I were like Gabby and Kelly, and I never will be. I'm Bekah, and I hate when people want me to change into something I will never be, and something I'm glad that I'm not. My heart hurts, because I miss my best friend, but he currently wants nothing to do with me. =/

John wants to run him and Zach over with a car. My dad wants to murder Zach *not literally...but..lol*. I guess I'm lucky I have people there for me. John Erica and Hoffman made me feel quite a bit better about everything. All 3 of them told me I had them no matter what, and it felt good. I just want my Brandon back. He's changed the past 2 days, and I don't like it one bit...