Tug of War.

"Oh, scarecrow, it ain't so bad just try and fit in this hollow mess 'Cause you've traveled so far From where it all began..."


The world is spinning around me and my mind goes blank. Images of days when everything was perfect pop up at different moments in the scene playing in my head. A single rose, falls to the floor, the book is finally closed. My princess fairy tale didn't have the happily ever ending that most fairy tales have, but it did however have an ending. After years of my heart playing an unending game of tug of war, it did not end in a stalemate, there was a winner. They say a broken heart feels like glass being smashed, into millions of tiny tiny pieces. That there's bits and pieces hidden in hard to find places, and although you can find the big obvious bits, it's impossible to clean it all up. You can cover up or deny that they're there, but they're there. This is how my heart has felt for years. Shattered like glass. But in the end- I proved to come out victorious in the never ending tug of war match.

I pulled, I gave everything I had left in me. Sweat, blood, tears, and gasping for breathe. His heart versus mine, in a brutal battle to see who could finally win the title. Do you wanna know how I won? Eventually he was pulling harder then ever before, you could see the veins bulging out of his neck and the pulsing heartbeat from his chest, and so I left go. He fell to the ground in what seemed like slow motion, and I was left standing victorious in the face of his defeat. I offered my hand to lift him back up, but he stood and shook off the dust and walked away without a sound coming from his lips. I watched him walk away from the match, and I smiled brightly knowing finally it was over, and I could finally rest. So I turned the other way and walked with pride, and walked with joy knowing I had won something that day, and a new day was coming, one that didn't involve tug of war.

Where My Passions Have Went.

I really need to write, to get my thoughts out. But nothing is coming. Don't you hate that when you sit for hours at your computer hoping something will come that sounds good enough, that is worth writing, and worth the reader actually taking time out of their busy schedule to sit down and read? That's the rut I am currently in.

I love writing, and it's a passion of mine that I no longer do as much as I'd like. Writing and music have always been the two ways I express myself, and when you no longer do either of those you feel dead. In high school I was in band, and that kept me mentally sane because I could express myself in ways my writing couldn't. When I wasn't writing, I was playing music, and when I wasn't playing music I was writing. These two passions of mine have kept me stable.

I wish I had the words to express how writing, and how music makes me feel. It's always been my anti-drug. I think the reason my world is so confusing right now, and why everything has been spazzing out on me is because I don't take the time to write, and because I'm not in the band program. I can't change the band program issue right now, but I could still play my french horn every time I went back home, which I desperately need to do. I miss it, it's my heartbeat. I however can change the fact I don't write. I used to write all the time, whether it was in this blog, in my common place book, on my phone or on random papers that got thrown away..I still wrote. I need to write again, poetry, stories, blogs, my feelings, what God's been speaking to me, whatever it is, I need to write it out.

I'm at the beginning of a new chapter in my life, one that involves me becoming more mature, and becoming what God has planned for me to be. In this chapter I will grow, but in this chapter I refuse to let go of music and writing. It's through these two passions that I am who I am. So I will try- I will try with my best efforts to write, and to play my heart out.

SEU and band.

Since August 22nd I have been living in Lakeland, Florida and attending college at Southeastern University. Honestly, academically speaking I wish I could tell you it's everything I hoped. But it's not. It's pretty much how I figured it would be. Nothing very special, minus the fact it's a christ-centered university. Spiritually speaking my school has it made, but academically...not so much. It's okay, I know God has me here for a reason, and I do like my school, it's just different from where I know I personally want to be. I personally want to be in the marching band somewhere, and traveling from state to state every Saturday that there is an away game. If God didn't call me to be a children's pastor, I could of seen myself being a High School band director. I would of done DCI every summer until then..insane? Yes? Maybe? I could of done it.. It's weird, now that I'm actually not in band anymore because my schedule just can't fit it, my heart feels empty. Education for once is coming before band...and it's hurting me everyday. You can ask my friend Marissa in college. Everyday atleast twice I say "I miss Band." Actually I've realized being in band for six years has given me many important qualities that you need in the real world. Like, for instance being on time... "To be early is to be on time, to be on time is to be late." I've noticed especially in college I like to be there early, while everyone walks in late. I can't be late..it bothers me. I feel I should run a lap if I'm late. That's another thing band gave me. Discipline. It disciplined me to always want to be the best. I personally am grateful for my experience in band. It prepared me the most for where I am today.

Now, back to SEU. I got off topic. As much as I wish I were in the band at say UCF, or FSU, I do know God has me where I am supposed to be for spiritual reasons. Since being here God has been working wonders in me, and I have matured quite a lot. Anyone who said christian college was perfect is wrong because there is still the wrong crowd here, but I think the reason God has been working wonders in me, is because it's His plan for me here you know? My favorite place on campus is the lake, which I rarerly go to, but I love praying there. God always speaks to me in marvelous ways there, in the beautiful nature of the lake. As much as I may miss band, and have a need to march on the field again and to play my instrument, God has it in His hands and He's doing things in and through me.

You know. I'm also very different here. I don't speak in class. Ever. I don't give my opinions out loud, because I'd rather write it in an essay and astound the professor then to let everyone know how smart I really am. I'm not trying to sound braggy or anything like that, but back in high school everyone KNEW I was smart and I hung with all the smart kids and so we all spoke our answers all the time. I've become the quiet kid in class who just listens. I'm paying for the class anyways, so I'm listening and analyzing everything and when it comes to it I'll write my essays, and how smart I am will come through writing instead of speech. I also eat lunch alone a lot. It's weird. I have friends, but if they aren't in the cafeteria I don't sit with random people. When normally, I would. I also am not as social here. I don't get it. I do a lot, but at the same time don't do a lot, if that makes ANY sense. It's weird.

I miss home. I miss Samantha and all my best friends---but I'm learning a lot of valuable life things here. I know I'll make it. God has a plan! And God's plan is good!