When the world around you crumbles.

Happy new years to me. Today has been horrible. Brandon broke up with Erica, and it was for a stupid reason. He didn't see it going anywhere. My response is then try harder. She's hurting and I hate that. But, the thing is, now she thinks she "may like John again." See, the entire time she was dating Brandon she was fighting her feelings for John. I mean, she picked Brandon over him after all. I mean there would be times she pushed her feelings away completely and then there would be times where she'd be extremely sad because she'd remember how John felt about her, and how she didn't feel the same. I always asked her if she liked John, and she would say I don't know, but I knew she liked Brandon more and I was content with that. But, I guess it doesn't matter anymore. I've lost once more. I love Erica too much to tell her she can't have him, and she knows this. I'd rather be hurting then to see her hurt. A guy won't ever come in between us. The thing is, I once again feel that I am nothing. I have always felt that she was better then me, and I've always been so jealous of her. I hate being jealous of my best friend. It hurts. But truth is, I am. The one boy I've had my heart on for 2 years, I'm not even allowed to have, because he wants her, and she "may" want him. It hurts, but I'll be okay. I know God has someone out there for me, I just wish I knew who it was. I don't want to "love" him anymore. I've held on for so long to him, but he likes my best friend, and I feel that I'm forgotten, and alone. I feel so very alone, but when she likes him back, the feeling is worse. This is the 3rd time now that she's liked him....it's not just going away no matter how hard I wish it would. She says half her wants to like him, half her doesn't. The half the doesn't is because he breaks all her rules when looking for a guy. I don't get it. If John always tell me and Erica that we are the same person, why does he like her. So many people tell us we are the same person, but that's it. We are, and we aren't. I'm the flawed twin I feel. =/ I'm just being emotional right now, but it's my feelings. I really feel like crying myself to sleep. 2009 is supposed to bring change for me. It's time to let go. It's a new year within the next hour, and it's time to forget my past and move on one step at a time. Sad part is, I can't even talk to my best friend in the whole world about how I wish she didn't like him, and about how I feel so betrayed. I mean, I can't tell her no, no matter how bad I want to. I know she'd do it for me, but it wouldn't be fair to her.

Darn that Chik-Fil-A

Monday afternoon I went with a bunch of my friends to Chik-Fil-A to get lunch, but there was 2 birthday parties about to go on, and so we got our food and we went to Kitland Nelson Park. I ordered a number one which is like a chicken sandwich and then the waffle fries. The park had its ups and downs, I had a blast with Ashley, Stephanie, Hoffman, Brandon, Chris and Cody, but Zach on the other hand I did not have such a good time with. This girl from my school came up to the park to buy a disney ticket off me for $30 bucks, but what did Zach do? He gave her a free ticket he had. I was so angry. That's like not even right. But whatever, I ended up going home and going to work.

Work wasn't slow, and it wasn't really busy. It was steady. I got sent home around 8, and I texted Ashley telling her she could come over to spend the night. I guess her phone died because she called me on Hoffmans phone and I didnt see it, so I called her back and Zach picked up so I just hung up. My stomach started feeling really bad, and I started texting John and Erica. I got really like emo and decided i'd go up in my tree. That was a big mistake. Sammy (the ipod) fell out of my pocket into the bushes under my tree. It's night time, I have a black ipod. This was not good. I texted Hoffman and next thing I know like 6 people are at my house trying to help me find this thing. That was an adventure in itself. After about 2 hours of searching through the bushes Cody finally found it. I was soo happy, because if it rained Sammy would be dead.

We all sat on my porch for awhile and I decided we should go walking. Remember how I told you my stomach had been hurting? Well, yeah I know why now. We didn't get very far on our walk when I felt everything coming up, and I had to throw up. Everyone was like alright lets go back but I refused because man did I feel tons better, Hoffman was really mad because he wanted me to go home and rest but oh well. So we finished our walk and Hoffman and Cody went home. Brandon Chris Ashley and Stephanie stayed and I went inside atleast twice to throw up again. None of them knew about this though. Around midnight Brandon Chris and Stephanie left, and so Ashley came in and I threw up one more time. She said she would go home, but I knew it wasn't contagious and so she just stayed. We talked for awhile and it was great catching up on things. Around 3 AM I woke up to get water because I was dehydrated and my ears started ringing and my head felt heavy and I had to lay down because I almost passed out. It was horrible. After awhile I finally got my water but I fell asleep on the couch. In the morning when me and Ashley were up my parents got me gatorade and as soon as I drank that I again threw up for the last time. Ashley still felt sick because she had a cold, and so she went home around 9 to rest, and to let me rest. Food poisioning is not fun.

I have hardly ate anything since Monday, and everything I ate monday I threw up. I had a 100.7 fever, and I had diarhea and everything. (Yeah, you needed to know this.) I blame it on the Chik-Fil-A because thats all I had eaten Monday. I feel tons better, like I can eat alittle now, but my stomach still feels icky. =/ I have to work tonight too. This will be fun.

Chugga Chugga Choo Choo.

Saturday was not exactly what people would call an "ordinary" day, but it never is when I am with Sammi. I had the most brilliant idea ever that we should go take pictures on a train track, and so off to find this train track, Samantha, Jannah and I went. At first we couldn't figure out how to get to the track we wanted to because of Sam's car, but we traveled all around my area until we found another end of the train tracks by piedmont. It was a blast. I mean everytime there was a noise we'd all get up and make sure there was no train coming. I love taking pictures with them. We found a rock that was a tile, and a glittery rock, and a yoo hoo wrapper. lol. Ahh, adventures.

So, after about an hour of this we decided to go home and Sam and I took a bazillion more pictures on my road. We ended up walking down the road and sitting by this tree for awhile and taking weird colored pictures when this guy in a truck drove by and stopped and told us that he almost didnt see us and that it wasn't smart to be sitting on the side of the road. Well, really we were on the very edge no one was gonna hit us. But whatever, so we got up and went back home. We went on another adventure to walmart to get food and junk, and when we came back we tried to watch Narnia, but that didn't really work out so well. After that things got interesting....but I won't explain what happened. Because of this interesting current of events Jannah decided we should go to Starbucks and yeah. Haha, wow. Saturday was....strange, but filled with so many good memories. I love Sam. Really, anytime I am with her we always have such an adventure. It's like <3. I tried writing this blog forever ago, but then I had to go to work, then I got food poisioning, and yeah. Not fun. My next blog will be about my experience with food poisioning . Bahaha. Worst experience ever.

Can't Help It If Theres No One Else

Please do me a favor.

Stop.

I'd very much appreciate it.

Thanks.

When life's gotcha down you know watcha gotta do?

Just keep swimming :]

Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you

I broke again tonight. It's been awhile since I've just cried, but for once it wasn't about not having John, but rather it was about feeling I was losing him as a best friend. Lately, to both me and Erica he's been acting incredibly different, and hasn't been talking much. He also treats me like I am nothing in his life anymore. He's one of my best friends, and best friend pain is one of the worse pains in the world. I don't even know what to write right now, because so many emotions are swelling up inside. I decided for the first time ever I wouldn't try to fix everything on my own, and that I'd see how long it took him to realize that something was wrong. Well, it didn't take him that long because he called me and left me a message. Of course, I didn't pick up but I really want to see if he will try to fix things like I always do. I feel so forgotten, and I feel young again. Erica made a point, she said she feels like he's growing up and he's realizing he doesn't need us anymore...and that is really scary, and really hurts to think about.

=/

Lost.

Ever since last night I have been feeling a since of confusion, and emptiness. I feel that I am running dry, and that my well has nothing left to give. Last night when I went to John's college and career group, Flood, I had one on one time with God during the praise and worship. As I closed my eyes, I began to pray out to him about my life, and how I needed him now more then ever. Sometimes you are going and going and you forget to fill up your gas tank. That's exactly how I feel right now. I feel that i've become comfortable with where I am in my life spiritually, and that i've done nothing to grow closer to Him. The empty feeling is like no other, and it digs deep within my soul. Sometimes your life gets so busy, you forget that you need to give up time to God, and that's exactly what i've been doing. I used to study the bible when I was in bible quiz all the time, and I realize now that through bible quiz I was forced to stay on track with my digging deep into His word. I will admit, I haven't been reading the bible as much, or having my one on one moments with God as much recently. This makes my heart cry out, as I fall down on my knees. You see today I made a pledge that i'd start a new. That i'd start listening to worship music and start waking up earlier in order to pray and read my bible. I mean what's 30 minutes? I think God deserves my time.

So much has been going on in my life both spiritually, and emotionally. I just need His comforting hands to wrap His arms around me.

The Tale of Angus and Princess Yeltnebia

It was 2 Am on a cold rainy night in Fluttervilla, where the Princess had ruled over the creatures. The temperature just reached below 20 degrees and the frost started to form over the color green. All creatures were lying asleep in their habitats, as the moon shone down on the only creature still awake. His name was Angus, and he was a frog. Everyone knows the story of how frogs become princes. Well, this story is much different, because Angus was the frog who refused to become a prince. Through his whole life Angus had always wanted someone to love him for who he was inside, and not on the outside. If you look at Angus you would see a fat frog, who resembled a cow because of how large he appeared. Although Angus may be large in form, he did have a big heart. But the problem was, he tried everything he could to appear large, and to not show who he really was.

It's now 4 AM and Angus is still sitting awake in the same very spot. The crickets are beginning to chirp, and the early rising creatures are beginning to take on the world. However, Angus is waisting his life away sitting on a lillypad. He waits for the flys to reappear so he can stretch out his abnormally long tongue and snatch away the very breathes of these insignificant animals. At dusk the flys arise and Angus charges, however he doesn't move from his spot. His tongue can stretch for yards, and he swipes away all the insects in sight. When finally he realizes that the insects have figured out his master plan Angus has to waddle over to a new lillypad in order to achieve more, he bloats himself until finally there are no flys present.

Meanwhile, back in the castle the fly captain of butter charges over to Princess Yeltnebia with an army of over 50,000 battle flys. "We must do something to save our people from that which is Angus," he cries. Hearing this cry Princess Yeltnebia sends the fly captain Sir Walters and his army into the dining area of the castle. She sends for Tinkerbell to give her advice, but is sent Samantha her friend instead. Samantha hurries to the castle letting Yeltnebia know that Tinkerbell has left her in charge while she is in Neverneverland filiming a new Peter Pan movie, and that she is perfectly capable of helping her with all her needs. Princess Yeltnebia is overjoyed and tells Samantha of how her people are dying because of the waddling fat frog, but yet how she knew that inside this frog was a prince somewhere. Samantha sprinkles pixie dust all over Yeltnebia and laughs telling her that everything she had just said was a bunch of hogwash, and for that frog to become a prince would cause him to stop eating flies, grow some guts and bones, and stop being green and slimy. This was something Angus could never do, and Samantha knew it. With the power invested in her through that of tinkerbell, Samantha tells Yeltnebia how the frog is truly in love with her but because she was a princess butterfly, you know the beautiful fly of butter, he had to waddle afar from her so he wouldn't eat her. Hearing this Yeltnebia is profounded and goes to the fly captain when suddenly she falls asleep.

Back over in the pond, Angus is seen staring at the castle wishing he didn't eat flies. He loved them though way to much to ever give them up. He was stuck in the past, and in everything he did. He grew fatter and fatter each and everyday, and one day he was going to explode. He knew inside he was a prince, but this would never show if he didn't stop eating flies. "I'm afraid that if I get to close I will eat her..." he tells himself since he had no friends of his own. Then suddenly the rain begins to fall and over at the castle Yeltnebia awakens. She stretches and yawns, whispering words to herself of her dreams. The princess of this dying land looks over through her window at the pond, and she sees the fat frog sitting all alone eating flies. She begins to cry and she flutters over to her diary and writes....

No one knows what happened to Angus or Princess Yeltnebia. Some say that Sir Walters the fly captain is able to overtake Angus and show him what it feels like to get his breath taken away. This however, is only one tale. Others say, that in her diary Yeltnebia writes how she secretly loved the frog as well and as the story goes the two were forbidden from each other. Then theres those who say that when Yeltnebia cried and began to write out her heart, pixie dust began to fall on the two lost hearts and the once fat ugly frog, learned who he was and later he became a prince and the two lived happily ever after. Wouldn't we all love that to be the ending? That's how most fairytales are told...sadly enough the most accepted answer is the second one. Critiques say that Yeltnebia fell in love with the frog, and the frog loved her too but they were forbidden because he would eat her so she lived alone for all her years, and the frog died of heartattack from eating too many flies....still this is only one ending. Since no one knows, because no one lived to tell the tale, make up your own ending. It's whatever you want it to be, because thats how fairytales should be.

Who's excited?

ME! Yeah, that's right. I am excited. I get to go to disney with Samantha and my little sister after church tomorrow, and although normally I wouldn't choose disney, I always have a BLAST there with Samantha. I mean some of my best memories are at that place called the happiest place on earth. Haha, I love her. I am soo excited. Eeeeeeep. This means SOO many new pictures and videos. Hahahaaaaa. Squeal.

Oh, I decided I miss Sergio. Like, a lot. I never talk to him, and I wish I did. I think SOMEONE should ask him if I can have his NUMBER, because I really miss him....because he added me to his friends across the map thing, and it made me feel really special. LOL. -cheesy smile-

Work=lame.

I really do hate, but love working at the same time. I just hate actually going to work, but when i'm there it's not so bad. I hope it's not insanly busy today. I really wish I didn't have work today so I could of went to the christmas lights thingy in winter garden with John and Erica, but I can't. Having a job makes you face so many tradeoffs. I hate it. I can't wait for christmas break. I am so excited because I have a feeling I will be doing quite a bit of things with my friends. New years will be amazing. Yay fires and smores. =].

Ahh, time to get ready for work. I like literally just got back from school like 30 minutes ago, this really isn't fun. -_- Oh, well.