When the world around you crumbles.

Happy new years to me. Today has been horrible. Brandon broke up with Erica, and it was for a stupid reason. He didn't see it going anywhere. My response is then try harder. She's hurting and I hate that. But, the thing is, now she thinks she "may like John again." See, the entire time she was dating Brandon she was fighting her feelings for John. I mean, she picked Brandon over him after all. I mean there would be times she pushed her feelings away completely and then there would be times where she'd be extremely sad because she'd remember how John felt about her, and how she didn't feel the same. I always asked her if she liked John, and she would say I don't know, but I knew she liked Brandon more and I was content with that. But, I guess it doesn't matter anymore. I've lost once more. I love Erica too much to tell her she can't have him, and she knows this. I'd rather be hurting then to see her hurt. A guy won't ever come in between us. The thing is, I once again feel that I am nothing. I have always felt that she was better then me, and I've always been so jealous of her. I hate being jealous of my best friend. It hurts. But truth is, I am. The one boy I've had my heart on for 2 years, I'm not even allowed to have, because he wants her, and she "may" want him. It hurts, but I'll be okay. I know God has someone out there for me, I just wish I knew who it was. I don't want to "love" him anymore. I've held on for so long to him, but he likes my best friend, and I feel that I'm forgotten, and alone. I feel so very alone, but when she likes him back, the feeling is worse. This is the 3rd time now that she's liked him....it's not just going away no matter how hard I wish it would. She says half her wants to like him, half her doesn't. The half the doesn't is because he breaks all her rules when looking for a guy. I don't get it. If John always tell me and Erica that we are the same person, why does he like her. So many people tell us we are the same person, but that's it. We are, and we aren't. I'm the flawed twin I feel. =/ I'm just being emotional right now, but it's my feelings. I really feel like crying myself to sleep. 2009 is supposed to bring change for me. It's time to let go. It's a new year within the next hour, and it's time to forget my past and move on one step at a time. Sad part is, I can't even talk to my best friend in the whole world about how I wish she didn't like him, and about how I feel so betrayed. I mean, I can't tell her no, no matter how bad I want to. I know she'd do it for me, but it wouldn't be fair to her.

Darn that Chik-Fil-A

Monday afternoon I went with a bunch of my friends to Chik-Fil-A to get lunch, but there was 2 birthday parties about to go on, and so we got our food and we went to Kitland Nelson Park. I ordered a number one which is like a chicken sandwich and then the waffle fries. The park had its ups and downs, I had a blast with Ashley, Stephanie, Hoffman, Brandon, Chris and Cody, but Zach on the other hand I did not have such a good time with. This girl from my school came up to the park to buy a disney ticket off me for $30 bucks, but what did Zach do? He gave her a free ticket he had. I was so angry. That's like not even right. But whatever, I ended up going home and going to work.

Work wasn't slow, and it wasn't really busy. It was steady. I got sent home around 8, and I texted Ashley telling her she could come over to spend the night. I guess her phone died because she called me on Hoffmans phone and I didnt see it, so I called her back and Zach picked up so I just hung up. My stomach started feeling really bad, and I started texting John and Erica. I got really like emo and decided i'd go up in my tree. That was a big mistake. Sammy (the ipod) fell out of my pocket into the bushes under my tree. It's night time, I have a black ipod. This was not good. I texted Hoffman and next thing I know like 6 people are at my house trying to help me find this thing. That was an adventure in itself. After about 2 hours of searching through the bushes Cody finally found it. I was soo happy, because if it rained Sammy would be dead.

We all sat on my porch for awhile and I decided we should go walking. Remember how I told you my stomach had been hurting? Well, yeah I know why now. We didn't get very far on our walk when I felt everything coming up, and I had to throw up. Everyone was like alright lets go back but I refused because man did I feel tons better, Hoffman was really mad because he wanted me to go home and rest but oh well. So we finished our walk and Hoffman and Cody went home. Brandon Chris Ashley and Stephanie stayed and I went inside atleast twice to throw up again. None of them knew about this though. Around midnight Brandon Chris and Stephanie left, and so Ashley came in and I threw up one more time. She said she would go home, but I knew it wasn't contagious and so she just stayed. We talked for awhile and it was great catching up on things. Around 3 AM I woke up to get water because I was dehydrated and my ears started ringing and my head felt heavy and I had to lay down because I almost passed out. It was horrible. After awhile I finally got my water but I fell asleep on the couch. In the morning when me and Ashley were up my parents got me gatorade and as soon as I drank that I again threw up for the last time. Ashley still felt sick because she had a cold, and so she went home around 9 to rest, and to let me rest. Food poisioning is not fun.

I have hardly ate anything since Monday, and everything I ate monday I threw up. I had a 100.7 fever, and I had diarhea and everything. (Yeah, you needed to know this.) I blame it on the Chik-Fil-A because thats all I had eaten Monday. I feel tons better, like I can eat alittle now, but my stomach still feels icky. =/ I have to work tonight too. This will be fun.

Chugga Chugga Choo Choo.

Saturday was not exactly what people would call an "ordinary" day, but it never is when I am with Sammi. I had the most brilliant idea ever that we should go take pictures on a train track, and so off to find this train track, Samantha, Jannah and I went. At first we couldn't figure out how to get to the track we wanted to because of Sam's car, but we traveled all around my area until we found another end of the train tracks by piedmont. It was a blast. I mean everytime there was a noise we'd all get up and make sure there was no train coming. I love taking pictures with them. We found a rock that was a tile, and a glittery rock, and a yoo hoo wrapper. lol. Ahh, adventures.

So, after about an hour of this we decided to go home and Sam and I took a bazillion more pictures on my road. We ended up walking down the road and sitting by this tree for awhile and taking weird colored pictures when this guy in a truck drove by and stopped and told us that he almost didnt see us and that it wasn't smart to be sitting on the side of the road. Well, really we were on the very edge no one was gonna hit us. But whatever, so we got up and went back home. We went on another adventure to walmart to get food and junk, and when we came back we tried to watch Narnia, but that didn't really work out so well. After that things got interesting....but I won't explain what happened. Because of this interesting current of events Jannah decided we should go to Starbucks and yeah. Haha, wow. Saturday was....strange, but filled with so many good memories. I love Sam. Really, anytime I am with her we always have such an adventure. It's like <3. I tried writing this blog forever ago, but then I had to go to work, then I got food poisioning, and yeah. Not fun. My next blog will be about my experience with food poisioning . Bahaha. Worst experience ever.

Can't Help It If Theres No One Else

Please do me a favor.

Stop.

I'd very much appreciate it.

Thanks.

When life's gotcha down you know watcha gotta do?

Just keep swimming :]

Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you

I broke again tonight. It's been awhile since I've just cried, but for once it wasn't about not having John, but rather it was about feeling I was losing him as a best friend. Lately, to both me and Erica he's been acting incredibly different, and hasn't been talking much. He also treats me like I am nothing in his life anymore. He's one of my best friends, and best friend pain is one of the worse pains in the world. I don't even know what to write right now, because so many emotions are swelling up inside. I decided for the first time ever I wouldn't try to fix everything on my own, and that I'd see how long it took him to realize that something was wrong. Well, it didn't take him that long because he called me and left me a message. Of course, I didn't pick up but I really want to see if he will try to fix things like I always do. I feel so forgotten, and I feel young again. Erica made a point, she said she feels like he's growing up and he's realizing he doesn't need us anymore...and that is really scary, and really hurts to think about.

=/

Lost.

Ever since last night I have been feeling a since of confusion, and emptiness. I feel that I am running dry, and that my well has nothing left to give. Last night when I went to John's college and career group, Flood, I had one on one time with God during the praise and worship. As I closed my eyes, I began to pray out to him about my life, and how I needed him now more then ever. Sometimes you are going and going and you forget to fill up your gas tank. That's exactly how I feel right now. I feel that i've become comfortable with where I am in my life spiritually, and that i've done nothing to grow closer to Him. The empty feeling is like no other, and it digs deep within my soul. Sometimes your life gets so busy, you forget that you need to give up time to God, and that's exactly what i've been doing. I used to study the bible when I was in bible quiz all the time, and I realize now that through bible quiz I was forced to stay on track with my digging deep into His word. I will admit, I haven't been reading the bible as much, or having my one on one moments with God as much recently. This makes my heart cry out, as I fall down on my knees. You see today I made a pledge that i'd start a new. That i'd start listening to worship music and start waking up earlier in order to pray and read my bible. I mean what's 30 minutes? I think God deserves my time.

So much has been going on in my life both spiritually, and emotionally. I just need His comforting hands to wrap His arms around me.

The Tale of Angus and Princess Yeltnebia

It was 2 Am on a cold rainy night in Fluttervilla, where the Princess had ruled over the creatures. The temperature just reached below 20 degrees and the frost started to form over the color green. All creatures were lying asleep in their habitats, as the moon shone down on the only creature still awake. His name was Angus, and he was a frog. Everyone knows the story of how frogs become princes. Well, this story is much different, because Angus was the frog who refused to become a prince. Through his whole life Angus had always wanted someone to love him for who he was inside, and not on the outside. If you look at Angus you would see a fat frog, who resembled a cow because of how large he appeared. Although Angus may be large in form, he did have a big heart. But the problem was, he tried everything he could to appear large, and to not show who he really was.

It's now 4 AM and Angus is still sitting awake in the same very spot. The crickets are beginning to chirp, and the early rising creatures are beginning to take on the world. However, Angus is waisting his life away sitting on a lillypad. He waits for the flys to reappear so he can stretch out his abnormally long tongue and snatch away the very breathes of these insignificant animals. At dusk the flys arise and Angus charges, however he doesn't move from his spot. His tongue can stretch for yards, and he swipes away all the insects in sight. When finally he realizes that the insects have figured out his master plan Angus has to waddle over to a new lillypad in order to achieve more, he bloats himself until finally there are no flys present.

Meanwhile, back in the castle the fly captain of butter charges over to Princess Yeltnebia with an army of over 50,000 battle flys. "We must do something to save our people from that which is Angus," he cries. Hearing this cry Princess Yeltnebia sends the fly captain Sir Walters and his army into the dining area of the castle. She sends for Tinkerbell to give her advice, but is sent Samantha her friend instead. Samantha hurries to the castle letting Yeltnebia know that Tinkerbell has left her in charge while she is in Neverneverland filiming a new Peter Pan movie, and that she is perfectly capable of helping her with all her needs. Princess Yeltnebia is overjoyed and tells Samantha of how her people are dying because of the waddling fat frog, but yet how she knew that inside this frog was a prince somewhere. Samantha sprinkles pixie dust all over Yeltnebia and laughs telling her that everything she had just said was a bunch of hogwash, and for that frog to become a prince would cause him to stop eating flies, grow some guts and bones, and stop being green and slimy. This was something Angus could never do, and Samantha knew it. With the power invested in her through that of tinkerbell, Samantha tells Yeltnebia how the frog is truly in love with her but because she was a princess butterfly, you know the beautiful fly of butter, he had to waddle afar from her so he wouldn't eat her. Hearing this Yeltnebia is profounded and goes to the fly captain when suddenly she falls asleep.

Back over in the pond, Angus is seen staring at the castle wishing he didn't eat flies. He loved them though way to much to ever give them up. He was stuck in the past, and in everything he did. He grew fatter and fatter each and everyday, and one day he was going to explode. He knew inside he was a prince, but this would never show if he didn't stop eating flies. "I'm afraid that if I get to close I will eat her..." he tells himself since he had no friends of his own. Then suddenly the rain begins to fall and over at the castle Yeltnebia awakens. She stretches and yawns, whispering words to herself of her dreams. The princess of this dying land looks over through her window at the pond, and she sees the fat frog sitting all alone eating flies. She begins to cry and she flutters over to her diary and writes....

No one knows what happened to Angus or Princess Yeltnebia. Some say that Sir Walters the fly captain is able to overtake Angus and show him what it feels like to get his breath taken away. This however, is only one tale. Others say, that in her diary Yeltnebia writes how she secretly loved the frog as well and as the story goes the two were forbidden from each other. Then theres those who say that when Yeltnebia cried and began to write out her heart, pixie dust began to fall on the two lost hearts and the once fat ugly frog, learned who he was and later he became a prince and the two lived happily ever after. Wouldn't we all love that to be the ending? That's how most fairytales are told...sadly enough the most accepted answer is the second one. Critiques say that Yeltnebia fell in love with the frog, and the frog loved her too but they were forbidden because he would eat her so she lived alone for all her years, and the frog died of heartattack from eating too many flies....still this is only one ending. Since no one knows, because no one lived to tell the tale, make up your own ending. It's whatever you want it to be, because thats how fairytales should be.

Who's excited?

ME! Yeah, that's right. I am excited. I get to go to disney with Samantha and my little sister after church tomorrow, and although normally I wouldn't choose disney, I always have a BLAST there with Samantha. I mean some of my best memories are at that place called the happiest place on earth. Haha, I love her. I am soo excited. Eeeeeeep. This means SOO many new pictures and videos. Hahahaaaaa. Squeal.

Oh, I decided I miss Sergio. Like, a lot. I never talk to him, and I wish I did. I think SOMEONE should ask him if I can have his NUMBER, because I really miss him....because he added me to his friends across the map thing, and it made me feel really special. LOL. -cheesy smile-

Work=lame.

I really do hate, but love working at the same time. I just hate actually going to work, but when i'm there it's not so bad. I hope it's not insanly busy today. I really wish I didn't have work today so I could of went to the christmas lights thingy in winter garden with John and Erica, but I can't. Having a job makes you face so many tradeoffs. I hate it. I can't wait for christmas break. I am so excited because I have a feeling I will be doing quite a bit of things with my friends. New years will be amazing. Yay fires and smores. =].

Ahh, time to get ready for work. I like literally just got back from school like 30 minutes ago, this really isn't fun. -_- Oh, well.

Until that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with.

My mind has been wandering to moments i've had with him. The moments that felt like he was everything God had planned out for me. My father always told me when I was younger that when I found "him" that i'd just know, because that's what happened to him, and if I wanted the same thing it would happen. Well, the moment I met him my mind wandered to the future. Literally, I looked at him and something in me told me he was it. I believe so much that it was God, but then theres part of me that doubts that because of how he feels. But then again I remember my parents story. My father knew my mother was the one, while my mother was sitting there going I hope I don't marry someone like him. So maybe, just maybe I will have the same story as them. Or maybe, i'm just holding on to false hope. My heart tells me yes Bekah, he's it, yet the more rational side of me says no Bekah, you are too young to ever even know. It's a constant battle between my heart, and my mind. Between what I believe God has told me, and what I don't know is the truth or not.

I'm 17, and I have the world ahead of me. I have the best friends I could ever ask for, and the best family God could ever bless me with. I'm going to college soon and that will be a whole new world of experiences and temptations in which I will overcome. I know i'm young, but God speaks to the young generations just like he speaks to the old generations. I've spoken to a few people about what I feel about him. A few people think i'm right. I've asked for proof from God, and everytime I do I get little signs. For instance, the baby names coincidence, when he randomly told me he wanted to name his son Daniel Ezekial, and considering I wanted my kid to be Ezekial Daniel. There's so many other little things, like how he carries a rock around in his pocket and how i've had a "pet rock" since 9th grade because of a friend. I used to carry it around all the time, but I haven't been recently. Still, we both have a rock that we keep. That's pretty strange. I don't know, everything is so ironic with him. His family loves me, and I love his family. My parents adore him, they even brought me to the dr.phillips hospital to see him when he was having seizures. Our families get along, and i'm best friends with his brother. I think though the biggest confirmation for me was when he was singing this christian worship song once when it was raining, and I started softly singing along with him. We were at Islands of Adventure with a lot of my friends, and we both looked at each other in the eyes and smiled as we sang softly together under our breathes. It was the best feeling. There's so many times i'll call him and he tells me he's reading a book of the bible, and so he can't talk until he's done because he's trying to get through the whole bible this year. I love it, I love seeing his status being about God all the time. I remember once seeing him at his church playing with this little girl, and me thinking how well he'd work with kids. This was before I had accepted my calling as a childrens minister. I still want to know if what I believe God has told me so long ago is the truth, but I guess I will have to wait. Whoever he does end up marrying, will be lucky, because he is going to make a great father, and a great husband.

So I guess i'll never know.

I've been having dreams the past few nights. The first one John told me he loved Erica, and that the only reason he kissed me was because me and Erica were the same person but then it didn't feel right, and then he realized it was just me. The next night, I had another dream about John where basically another situation like that happened, I don't remember it exactly though. Then last night, the dream was really really strange. Basically it started off as I was with Kyle and Erica, and Kyle's gf comes in and she's like why are you kyle? So I told her I thought she said it was cool we were friends, and she was like yeah but we broke up! As soon as she says this Kyle turns into John and supposedly John and his gf just broke up now, and she's looking for him and me and Erica are like trying to hide him, and we go to his mom's house, and the ex follows us there and yeah I woke up. Odd much? I think so...John doesn't HAVE a girlfriend....lol. Oh well. Whatever.

I'll never forget those eyes.

I wish sometimes that he would just tell me how he felt. Really. He can't keep lying to me as well as himself. I know theres something, because you do not look at me the way he does without feeling something. You can lie, but your eyes always tell the truth. I'm not even hurting over him anymore, i've gotten to the point where I've realized i'm lucky he's one of my best friends and that i'd rather have that then nothing at all. He'd just make it so much easier if he didn't look at me with those eyes. Yet, I always look at him with my eyes. Well, NO DUH! I care so very deeply about him, and that's why I don't understand if he doesn't feel the same way why does he looks at me the way he does. He's always looking at me straight in the eyes, and he always has the biggest smile on his face when he talks. I see him when he talks to me. He glows, and it bothers me....

Eh, I could just be holding on to false hope here. Who knows. All I can do is pray right? It's been almost 2 years now that i've cared this much about him, and for 2 years now he's been looking at me this way. I don't know if this means something, but I think it does.

Thanksgiving.

I can't believe Thanskgiving is already coming. I love this time of year, because I always remember I have so much to be thankful for. I have been blessed incredibly, and even though this year had been so tough, it's also been one of the best years of my life. Every year I always write a blog for thanksgiving, and I know I won't have time to do this before Thursday and so I will do this now.

Jesus- You are my everything. When everything crashes, and when everyone lets me down, I know you are the one person who will always be there to lift me up. This year you have taught me so much, and every moment I learn more. Without you my life would be nothing. Thank you for being the very breath that I breathe. You make my darkness disappear, and you make the clouds go away. I want you to know that I will always love you. Thank you soo much for everything you have done for me. I don't deserve your love, but I am so grateful everyday that I have it. You are the only thing that keeps me going.

The Family- You are my foundation. I look to you guys for everything, and I thank you for always being there. I thank you for teaching me in the ways I should go, and for always supporting me. Thanks for always loving me, and for all the laughs we share. We have a strong family unit and Satan is not allowed to ever break it. I love you guys.

Erica- You are my best friend in the entire world. I couldn't imagine life without you, or the world without your shining face in it. You always know exactly what to say to make me feel better when everything is crashing in my life. Its amazing how close you can be to someone without them being blood. You are like my other half. We have a type of friendship that only each other understand. You are beautiful, inside and out Erica. Through the good and the bad, I know that you will always be there for me. When I felt that I had nothing, you came and showed me that I had everything. I had you. I will always love you from the bottom of my heart.

Samuel- I honestly do not know what I would do without you. Words cannot describe how much I love and care for you. You always make me laugh, and you always make me smile. You have a beautiful soul, and I adore every little thing about you. I know that we don't necessarily see eye to eye on every subject, but we are still the best of friends. You have a beautiful face, that always lights up my world. I love you to pieces.

Samantha- Ever since I met you we have been on this journey, well it's more of like an adventure. I feel like sometimes we are on a rollorcoaster ride in a magical land. Think about it, everything has its ups and downs, but in the end it was all worth the ride and you have a smile on your face from the experience. I have learned so much about life through you, and you always make me laugh hysterically. I feel so young when I am with you, and I feel that I can be crazy and not care what anyone thinks. Thanks for everything you've taught me. I'll always be your biggest fan.

Brandon- You do understand that you owe me soo much right about now right? Haha, I'm just kidding. Brandon Maclean, you mean the world to me. Ever since 6th grade you have always been there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on. You're always there to give me the hugs I need when I feel so all alone in this world, and I'd be so lost without you. You are beautiful (handsome) in every way, and I couldn't ask for a better best friend.

Hoffman- Wow, what a life we have lived together right? I have so much I could say about you. You make me SO mad, but yet I adore you. You are one of my best friends, and I couldn't imagine living without you there to pick on me. As every day passes by I thank God that I have you. (Even though you don't believe in Him... -_-). You've changed me in so many ways, but nothing really for the bad. I love you forever.

John- Well, I love you. I think everyone knows this by now. You confuse me. You make me mad. But, I love you. You came into my life almost 2 years ago back when I needed someone most, and you helped change me a lot. If I didn't have you there would be so many occasions where i'd feel I was worthless, and ugly. But, you make me feel beautiful, and I do believe that was always your goal. Thank you so much for being amazing, and for always trying to make me feel amazing.


Felicia- I miss you so very much. I know we haven't talked much but I want you to know that you have impacted my life in so many ways. You are such a beautiful person, and I love talking to you. Whenever I need to vent to someone, you are always there. Thanks so much for always just listening, because sometimes that's all someone needs. Is someone to listen.

Ashley- I hate that you got switched over to Ocoee High School. I miss research with you, and I miss you always being there to make everything better. I realized the last time I saw you that you are one of the few people who will always try to make me feel better. I also realized that there would be soo many times i'd still be crying if it wasn't for you. I love and miss you so much. We are completly weird together, but I love every conversation we have. The green lantern will come save us from the flying pigs with sombreros in space...I promise. <3

Kara- Honestly, I think we have gotten to a point where we tell each other basically almost everything. I feel completly safe telling you all about my life, and about why everything has sucked, or about why it's been amazing. We have a special bond, because of our hair of course, and I love you. You don't understand how lost I would be without you at school. You're the only one who understands everything there. Thanks soo much for always make me smile, I couldn't ask for a better Karange.

Stephanie- I haven't known you very long but we have gotten really close this year. Thank you so much for always listening to me rant, and for listening to me talk. You are amazing, and I look forward to getting to know you more as the years go on. Even though we will be in college we will always keep in touch. Thanks for everything you've done, and thanks for always making me smile.

Heather- I miss seeing you all the time, but I know that you will always be there for me. You are one of those friends who when I need someone most I know I can call and you will be there to cheer me up. I can tell you anything, and I know you won't judge me. You are beautiful, and I love you.

Becky- Even though we aren't anywhere near as close as we used to be you still mean a lot to me. You have helped me through quite a bit these past few years, and I really do love you. I hope you understand this Beck. Never forget our memories. R squared forever mkay?

Nancy- Okay, so i'm new to this whole you being apart of our group but you are amazing. I've actually known you since 9th grade, but you just now started going to wekiva where you got close to all of my friends and me, and yay. Haha, you are amazing and I heart you. Thanks for just always being there.

Pastor Justin- I could never forget to write about you. You are my mentor, and one of my greatest models in which I look up too. I believe God has placed you into my life for a reason, and I believe i'm starting to realize you are teaching me more then I ever thought you were. I have been called to be a childrens pastor, and because of this I look to you for what I should be like later in life. Thanks for trusting me with everything you trust me with, and thanks for teaching me everything you teach me. I love you so much, and I am so grateful God has placed you and your family in my life. I couldn't ask to work under a better Kids Pastor.

You''ll never realize...

The tears swell down my face now. The warm tears full and large, sly down my face and reach the floor. Everything I once knew has come closing in, and everything has begun to change. My whole world has finally started to crash.

No one knows the pain i've gone through tonight, or the tears i've shed. The darkness has tried to overcome my light, but yet I try with all my might to over come it. I grab the only thing close to me, my cell phone and call the one person who can give me guidence. My brother. My father hurts, my sister cries, and my mother weeps. Only the Lord can save what has begun to creep its way into our lives. Lies, hurt, fear, depression. I bind them all.

Lord--hear my cries. Bring us through this storm.

The Unreachable Dream.

The alarm went off at exactly 6:45 AM this morning. The same song played as a new sunny day began. I opened my eyes to once again appear not where I had been for the past few hours, but to appear in reality. The dream land slowly faded away, and the world came into vision. Waking up to a vast world of things you want but will never have, can really be a tair on your heart. As the world turns, I constantly find myself sitting back as I watch all the opportunities fly past me. They seem to far for me to reach, and yet so very close at the same time. Then there's the unrealistic, the dreams. The opportunities aren't even there and yet your heart aches for it, bleeds for it. I find myself chasing after this never ending dream. This dream makes me feel safe, yet daring all at the same time. However, all it will ever be is a dream. A fantasy of sorts, that will never come true. So, as I went through the day I decided I would live in reality while my mind wondered in those dreams. I would think of the dream, and how if only it could someday be apart of my reality how drastic everything would suddenly change. I would finally really be happy.

So cold.

Tonight was really cold. States is the 22nd and so I had band practice tonight, and for4 hours I was in almost freezing weather. The low for the day was 39. So, imagine a 2a band trying to rehearse in this weather when we are all a bunch of floridians! The cold can go away on band practice days, like this thursday. My body hurts, and I think I got more sick then I originally was. My body feels so very weak right now, and I still feel so very cold inside. I'm not used to this weather at ALL. But, it's worth it, because on Saturday when we perform we will have one more rehearsal done under our belt to make us the best. I really hate that my body is in pain. But, no pain no gain I guess. I really wonder how it feels to be in band and hate it. I know we have some people who are doing it because they are forced to, and like really you have to LOVE what you do in order to have the endurance to push through on days like tonight. It was tough considering I felt like I was dying, but I made it through and i''m proud of myself. I really do love band, and I'm uber excited for Saturday. Being at my school at 4:45 am though will NOT be fun. D: But, the competition is definatly in St.Pete so it's a long drive. I shall sleep on the bus. :]

Also, Lamos has a new toy. He got his microphone finally, and all I have to say is...awww yeah! <3

Headaches.

They aren't fun.

Really. =/

Sometimes you just need to pray.

Today was a really hard day for me and my best friend. Satan loves attacking the family unite I tell you. Today was really hard for both Samantha and I. Her family loves making her feel like she's nothing, and like she's not wanted, and today my dad and I got into a fight about money. Money really is the root of all evil. I feel that as christians we should always realize that we have God, no matter how bad the economy is, we still have God. Unlike the non-believers we have a reason to be happy no matter what happens. Well, apparantly by telling my dad to have faith that God would provide I was being "super spiritual" and judging his level of faith. I swear I said the right thing, but it only caused him to yell and me to cry and go into my room and listen to "Song of the Angels" and read my bible. I understand that my dad's stressed about money right now, and it's something he's always stressed about, but it shouldn't cause him to yell at people. It's only money, atleast we have God and each other right?

My dads my best friend, and I love him with all my heart. That's why it hurt so bad when he told me that I was judging him, because I wasn't. I know my dads a strong believer, and he's done an amazing job in raising me. I just despise his temper. He deals with stress by yelling at people. My mom however deals with stress by making everyone feel like they are inferior. Which, is a bad combination between the two of them, because she says things to hurt him, which causes him to get angry, and it's a never ending cycle sometimes.

I blame it on her work. My family was filled with peace when my mother wasn't working but ever since she started going back to work, the peace has once again been destroyed, and i'm beginning to feel the effects of it again. I'm beginning to want to always go into my room to avoid saying something to set one of them off. I mean, i'm making it out to seem pretty bad, and it's not i'm really blessed, just lately it's been horrible. I love my family, I just need to pray for them

Senior Night.

It was my last football game ever as a high school student, and I was walked down the football field escorted by my parents. It was funny how most of the band kids who were escorted had something funny said about them such as "treasure of the underwater basket weaving team" such as I did. But, it was a great memory. My parents met Hoffmans parents after me being best friends with him since 6th grade! I was looking forward to the half time show, but as Cypress Creek was marching their show it started to POUR down rain, and so we had to run to the band room. It was amazing, but it also failed at life at the same time. I'll always remember running in the rain, but i'll miss that performance. States is coming up next saturday. I'm really excited.

But, yeah after we all put our uniforms in the auditorium to dry I got to see Erica, Melissa and Brandon which completly made my day. I love my friends. :] God had really beyond blessed me.

So the day goes on.

I am pretty exhausted. Tim texted randomly at like 11:25pm asking if I was awake, and then he told me to go to bed, but we ended up texting until like past midnight our time. I had to take nyquil around midnight which made me crash because my cold was so bad and I couldn't get to sleep. I still feel really sick, and so i've been taking vitamin c like crazy. Can you overdose on vitamin C? lol.

Ahh, back to school. My day off was needed because I slept pretty much all day. I got to church yesterday and although I was pretty cranky because I had just gotten woke up, I felt a lot better then I had all day long. Which wasn't much better because I felt like crap earlier. Sleep makes everything better though. I have band practice today. I only have 2 more after this and then it's FMBC states and band is over D:. Well, marching band atleast. It makes me sad. Ahh, time to go to school.

Identity.

The quest for identity is a long brutal journey that every person goes through. In life, everyone is always searching for who they are, and why. The biggest questions asked are “How did I become the way I am?” and “What factors have contributed to my identity?” These simple questions can be the shining light to the hidden mystery of your identity. On this quest of identifying who I was, I have realized that what makes me who I am is rather unique and beautiful. Your identity does not rely on your personality, but rather your personality relies on your identity. Once this is realized you have to look deep within yourself to really understand what sets you apart from everyone else. Through searching deep within myself and within my beliefs I have been able to understand who I am, and what makes up my identity.

My name is Rebekah Marie Bentley, and I am a follower of God’s own heart. I am a beautiful woman who has been fearfully and wonderfully made into his image. Through being His servant, and apostle, I have also been a teacher to the lost. I am a piece of clay that will be broken down and molded by the Potter’s hands into a beautiful piece of pottery that will never shatter. I am nothing but me, a girl who has many flaws, who is never perfect but who is completely and utterly happy with life. Day after day I face challenges with sin and flesh, but somehow find the strength to continue on with my faith. When identifying myself the first thing that always comes to mind is my strong belief in my savior and Lord. My entire life has been focused around God, and about what He wants me to be. Without him, I have no identity, because I’d be nothing. Through my beliefs I’ve had many morals instilled in my life. I believe strongly in my morals, and nothing could ever change those. Abstinence and purity are top of my morals list. I am against sex before marriage, and against doing sexual things before marriage. I have made a pledge before God and man, that I will stay pure until my marriage bed. I believe strongly that sex was made to be beautiful, not made to be given away too just anyone. My heart hurts when I see teenagers give away their most precious gift, and get hurt expecting that it would last forever. If they truly love each other, they will wait. True love waits. Most people believe that Christian’s are closed minded and judgmental. I however, do not believe this is the case. As a strong believer, I am called to love my neighbor and pray for those who persecute me. Christians are called to love unconditionally, and this is what I do. I am the girl who will love you no matter what you have done even if she doesn’t agree with it.

So far my quest for identity has focused solely on my Christian beliefs and morals. This is because I largely classify myself with my spiritual nature over anything else. However, Christianity aspects are not the only things that mold me into the woman I am today. My family structure has also impacted my identity in ways that I am most grateful for. Being a seventeen year old girl with a twenty-six year old brother, a twenty-three year old brother, and a fourteen year old sister with both of her parents still married I have grown to be grateful for my family. In today’s society most families are lacking having at least one parent present. I have been lucky enough to have both of my parents love each other unconditionally. Through my parents loving each other even through the fights, I have grown up in a highly functional family. My mother is very caring and warm, while my father on the other hand is a comedian. These personalities have shaped me into the fun loving, warm person I am today. I have my mother’s heart, and my father’s humor. I am a big family person, and I believe that the family should always be there for you no matter what. When everyone has turned their back on you, your family should always be there backing you up. At least that’s how it’s always worked in my family. My family has always been the core in my life. Our motto has always been “train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn away from it.” (Psalms 22:6)

Life is nothing without best friends to help you through it. Identifying yourself through your experiences with your best friends is one of the most heart warming things I believe can be done. A person’s life is changed constantly by the friends they choose, and by the one’s that choose them. I have been blessed with the very best friends I could ever ask for. My best friends however could be quite a surprise to many people. His name was Christopher Hoffman, and I met him in 6th grade. Nobody ever expected the pure Christian girl, and the proud atheist to become friends, better yet best friends that would last until the present and into the future. But, there was something about him that kept me attached. God uses the strangest people sometimes, and that includes atheists. There have been many occasions where Hoffman has lifted me up spiritually and told me to look to God for the answers when I was down. The reason that I use Hoffman as an example for how friends can alter your identity is because if you look at his identity compared to mine we are completely different people, yet we have found a way to love each other unconditionally. Hoffman has throughout the years forced me to look deep within myself, and he has challenged my beliefs constantly. His challenges have only caused me to dig deeper into the truth that I know, in search for more knowledge. That’s what it’s all about, searching for more answers to the questions of life.

The soul has a tempo and a beat in which it’s constantly listening for. Music is the essence of all things beautiful in life. When things are beautiful, music is always around. Without music, life would be dull. Imagine it. Picture yourself in a movie that had no background music, or in a mall that had no music playing throughout the stores. The world would be dead. Music has always played a key role in my life. When I identify myself, the music that I play shows my deepest emotions. The sound of music is a universal language, and through telling my story with music my identity is no longer a secret. Everyday when I pick up my French horn it’s like a new story is going to be told. A new adventure with new dynamics that will bring chills to your spine. My French horn has become one of my best friends, because it understands me completely. I believe that music is the most beautiful thing ever created. A musician can pick up their instrument and just know everything is going to be okay. I am the musician who pours her heart into her songs. The emotions swell up no matter what I play, even if it’s a simple scale. When I play my instrument, I feel alive and I feel that I belong. Music can impact me even when I am just listening. Sometimes sitting back and listening to the sweet sounds of an orchestra play the melodies of a brilliantly composed piece of music can send you to another world. Music is my way of expressing who I am, and of understanding what the world is trying to say.

Throughout life’s journey I have realized that my identity is composed of what is closest to my heart. My identity is something that can be described as unique because there will never be anyone exactly like me. Everything that I have described can be intertwined together to form something beautiful. Together they form the characteristics of my heart, which forms my identity. I am the girl who lives for the now, but prepares for the future. My heart strives to make a difference in this world, and to be a part of something great. Everyone in this world has a different identity for a reason. My identity focuses on being a servant that has been broken down and built back up for the will of God, the foundations of a strong family, the impacts of my best friends, and the sounds of music that help me release everything that’s built up inside. The quest for identity once completed helps you realize a lot about yourself. For me, I realized I was more then just a talkative, hyper seventeen year old but rather I had experiences that were dear to my heart and have molded me into the Rebekah Bentley that is known today.

Dreams.

I didn't go to school today because I felt really sick. I've been feeling sick all week and forcing myself to go to school but today I couldn't do it, I stayed home and slept. So, as I slept more I began to dream. I had the weirdest sets of dreams ever.

They involved the papa johns guy from altamonte, and the starbucks guy. It was quite weird. I was sitting on my moms car while she was driving like a mad woman and we passed the starbucks guy and he was like Hi? Then he was like I work again in 14 hours just so you like...know. LOL! I laughed, really hard. Then with the altamonte guy, I don't really remember that dream much, except I left the store and he followed me to talk to me or something? WEIRD DREAMS! These guys are OLD! BAHHH!!! lol.

Okay, enough. I need to feel better. I also have to write a 1500 word essay on my identity for english class, so I should start that. 1500 words is a lot, but it's on myself, I know myself lol. He said it'd be harder then we thought but I think for me it should be easy. I can explain who I am, and how I came to be who I am in words pretty easily. I mean my identity focuses mostly on my morals, and spiritual beliefs so I could write 39742340858 words on that. xD. Well, i'm gonna go write about myself now.

I'll post it here when i'm done. It'll just be the rough draft because that's all that's due tomorrow.

Sweet dreams that won't come true.

A few nights ago I was on the phone with Erica and John till sometime past one. I'm not gonna say what he was texting me the entire time, but basically he's "walked in my shoes" and he knows how I feel now. He's been depressed lately, and 99% of me hates the fact he's hurting but theres always the 1% who's saying that atleast now he can understand the pain that i've been experiencimg.

Enough about his depression, and about "what I want the most, and what i'll never have." He's been going through not only emotional stuff due to Erica, but also his family has been stressing him out. He really needs to understand his mother more. He feels like she's suffocating him, but I love Ms.Sanderson. John just needs to pray and do what God wants him to do.

Oh, so during school today I called John. Yes, during class. My teacher never found out, and it was amazing. But, he sang Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional randomly to me. I love listening to him sing.


Vindicated ~ Dashboard Confessional
Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye

And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated

[Chorus]
I am vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along

And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intentions
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated, so motivated
I am certain now that

So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment fall forever
Defense is paper thinJust one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away

[Chorus]
Slight hope
It dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption

Starbucks.

Starbucks makes my world go weeee. Sometimes I love going to work. Especially days like today. I get to work pretty sad at the fact that my favorite manager just basically quit. Why does my favorite managers always quit? First Roberto who I completly adored, and then Keith who I made a cake for when he left, and now Johnny, except Johnny never said bye to me. It makes me really sad that I didn't get to hug him bye. The last time I saw Johnny he had a black eye lol, and he winked at me when he pulled into the parking lot because he hadn't seen me in over a month. I havn't even seen Johnny much because of marching band, so i'm really mad. He better stop by sometime to hug me bye or i'm gonna be really upset. I called his number but I don't think he has a phone anymore. Yeah, I really loved Johnny, and he always told me he missed me because I couldn't work much because of band. I remember he told me that I was the only one who never complained and that's why he loved me so much. Yeah...it's gonna suck without him. He made me feel loved at work.

So, that's how my day started. Actually, at first I thought I was fired because my name wasn't on the insiders list, but I found out it was a glitch and Nick forgot to scheduale me. But, I get to work and see Samantha which made me happy because I havn't seen her in ages. About an hour into work, my favorite starbucks guy Clint comes in to order a pizza. USUALLY he just gets a sprite so I was pretty surprised when he got pizza. Actually, the moment he walked in I was pretty surprised because I havn't seen him in months, I actually thought he got a new job lol. So, I was talking to him and told him how I hadn't seen him in ages and he's like "i'm always right there..." *points towards starbucks*, which might be the problem because i'm NEVER at work anymore. So, later he comes back in and asks all of us if we want anything to drink. I say a moca frappochino, and he goes "caramel?". LOL! I was like...what?! So he was like..."you'll see i'll make you something". About 30 minutes later he comes back with my frappochino and whatever Samantha ordered, and he walked away. OMG! He made me a moca caramel frappochino and it was AMAZING. It was the largest one too...which is what? Grande? LOL. Or is it tall? I don't remember. But yeah, whenever he came to pick up his pizza he asks me if I liked what he made me and I spazzed at him saying how I loved it and he told me what it was. He was like "the sweeter the better I figure" LOL! He is such a dork. Anyways, he really made my day. He was like, "yeah i'll be working tomorrow so"...lol. Which made me smile because like I'm not working but i'd totally go see him to get free starbucks, but I probably won't lol. Yay for free starbucks. :] Samantha *not the one I work with but Clark* doesn't think Clint is that cute, but I think he's adorable. He's gotten A LOT cuter since the last time I saw him too. His hair is longer, and I think he has different glasses. Less nerdy looking lol. He's too old though, which makes me sad. Oh well. I still heart him. Even though Samantha thinks I have bad taste xD. <3>

Really though, it's amazing how one single person can completly change your day. I was pretty blah at the beginning of work because no Johnny and like Jared was there, but after that I became really happy. I started laughing and had the FUNNIEST conversations with Nick. He was talking about youtube and I was like OHMYGOSH I"M ON YOUTUBE!! LOL! I tried to explain it, and he was like...no...just...stop. It was amazing. Then I tried to explain to him why Jesus/Batman should be President and Vice President and the 12 disciples would be the cabinet members, and he called me psycho. Then like I told him how sugar cookies were sin, and he asked me why but I never got to explain it because the phone kept ringing...it was sad. Oh, and Clint gave me a $2 tip btw. We gave him his pizza half off, and he gives us free starbucks and he STILL tips me.

Yeah, today was funny. I'm hyper if you can't tell...starbucks makes you bouncy. lol. Josh drank some of mine, and he laughed at me when I got home when I told him my story of how I got it. Haha. I love knowing people who work places and will give you free things. :D

Do not speak evil about the ruler of your people..

Yes, I am a Mccain supporter, but as a nation we all need to realized that Obama won. I'm tired of the United States being about red and blue. I actually hate political parties, everyone should just vote for the best candidate. Okay, now even though I do not like Obama at all and believe he is going to destroy our country, I believe we all need to pray for him. Don't speak evil about him, but stand by him and pray.

That's my rant for the day.

I think bout your eyes all the time.

Yesterday was completly amazing. I pretty much had a fiesta at my house with my favorite people in the whole wide world. Really, it was like a massive collection of my best friends and there was only a few people missing from it. Like, Hoffman. Samantha was really sad, and i'm glad that she was able to come over to see Sam and Erica. Even though we didn't get to talk much. We talked through texting. But, I think she really needed to see Sam. He makes her smile :]. Heck, he makes me smile. I love that boy. He made all of us laugh soo much. He has this new..."i'm into myself" thing going on, and although it's really annoying it's soo funny at the same time. He needs to not love himself so much...LOL. Which I never thought i'd have to say about someone. Oh, well. He's still my Sam and I love him to pieces.

So, basically Brandon brought me home yesterday from school and he was staying over because Erica was gonna be there. Which, she got to my house before I got there. I get outside and Erica runs up to us and gives me a big hug, and I walk into my house and Samuel Joseph Foarde is sitting there on the coach I scream really loud and run to my room like a dork and put down my bookbag and then come out and jump on him. I did not expect to see him. I missed that boy soo much. This made me day. Later Samantha comes over, and even later so does John. It was perfect. We watched blood brothers. Samuel was amazing, and he made us giggle.

Erica and Brandon were really cute, I think they should date. Sam agrees with me. Does anyone else agree? She looked really happy last night. It made me smile. I stole Johns hat. He was mad. I now have a bruise on my foot from running with no shoes on when he chased me.

After everyone left but John and Brandon we sat outside and talked like british people for like 30 minutes. It was amazing. Haha, everytime John said bloody...I think I almost died. Also, Brandon and John realized they really do like each other. It's weird they've met twice. Before they met they didn't like each other then they did, and after they met they didn't and now they remet and they like each other again. It makes me laugh. But after Brandon left me and John had a big conversation. It was really emotional. It involved the stars, and wanting to disappear. He makes me really sad sometimes. I don't want him to disappear. He was really emotional last night, and we both cried. He called me by my full name once...because I turned my back and was looking at the sky and crying. It was like a perfect movie scene lol. Really, sometimes me and him act way to much like we are married.

Also, yes Sam I know I flirted with him like crazy. I'm sorry. I can't help it....=/. I know...i'm flirty mcflirt flirt.

ALSO!! ARCHIBALD...LOL! Yeah...lol <3

Oh except, John came over my house this morning to get the sunglasses he left at my house. So, I got to wake up this morning and see him. Haha, yay for starting my morning with seeing him. :]

Okay, bye. School!

Band makes me happy. It really really does. :] Today during church I almost fell asleep, because I was so tired. But I was closing my eyes listening to the sermon and everytime my pastor would say a main word my mind would form images of a marching band forming that image. For instance, he said the word heart and I pictured a marching band forming a heart. It made me giggle. I'm beginning to realize more and more that being apart of band is my world. I love it so very much.

The Great Race

I love marching band. It's one of my all time favorite things in the whole world. Today I performed at my last MPA show ever. There's something about being a senior that really gets to you during these shows. I remember my first show. It was at Ocoee High School and our theme was Themes from Oz. The adrenaline pouring as I set up in the O formation, and as I looked around at all the Orange County bands looking down upon me. I remember my friends Christopher Hoffman, and Christopher Palombini from the Apopka band were pointing down at me from the stands, and waving to try and get my attention. As soon as I smiled they knew I had seen them, but I couldn't move. I stood there waiting for the show to begin. At last it began. We were a brand new school and everyone expected us to be less then what we were, but together as a team we had put our hearts and souls into that show. I remember how it felt to play infront of that audience for the first time, and how at first I felt so nervous but as the show went on every nerve left my body. Slowly the horns came down to attention after the last note was played in The Finale, and we marched off that Citrus Bowl field with pride because we knew that we were the Ocoee Knights, and no one could ever take that name from us. I remember that show so vividly and so clearly because it ment something to me. Although we may not have made a superior, we knew that show had been the best one we had ever performed, and we knew it wasn't about the grade but about how we felt. That's how it was for me at Ocoee both years. I came off that field after performing and felt like I was on top of the world. I remember after my sophomore show, Evolution of American Music, Hendricks was talking to the band about how this was the seniors last MPA, and he got really emotional. I ended up crying remembering that I was like a senior because it was my last MPA with that school. Ocoee gave me so many memories including Texas with the Cotton Bowl, and I will never forget them. I still love that school with all my heart, and a big part of me will always be a Knight.

Now, starting a new school my Freshman year wasn't too difficult for me considering I was a Freshman and I didn't know how a band was supposed to function. But, then I was transferred over to the new school Wekiva where my assistant band director from Ocoee took over as head director. Starting a new school where a majority of the people hate that they were forced to leave their old schools is really hard, but we've formed into a family. We all still have pride in our old schools, but I think after our first MPA performance together last year we realized that we were Mustangs. I remember Portraits of Adventure, and the many headaches I derived from that show. I remember the countless hours spent trying to just FINISH the show before assesment. Everything was really stressful, but somehow we got everything done. So, the time came to show everyone who we were, and what we were made of. We marched into that stadium with everything we had, and as I looked up I saw Ocoee sitting there watching us. Seeing Ocoee made me want to look my best to show them that I ment business. I remember playing my heart out, and before I knew it the show was over. That was it. Everyone stood up and applauded us as we marched out but we didn't see it. I remember circling around Lamos and him almost crying, and we all had such pride. Finally, we stopped being Knights, and Darters and for once we were Mustangs. Needless to say we got a superior and it was the best feeling ever.

Now, it comes to this year. We have come so far to make this show the best it possibly can be. Our show is The Great Race and we've worked harder than i've ever worked on a show before, and the results have paid off. Wekiva is on its way to FMBC States November 22nd and there we will be facing the best bands in florida. This year we have received first place at the Timbercreek competition in division 2a and 2nd at the University Classic. MPA felt like just another performance at first, but as the day went on I remembered just how much MPA has always ment to me. We got on that field and it started to lightly rain. The announcer asked Lamos to take us off the field untill it stopped but he shook his head no because he wanted us to perform then. The crowd started going wild, and we all had adrenaline surging through our bodies. So we performed our show as it lightly rained. It felt good, yes we still have our slight timing tear but wow it was the best show I believe we have ever done. As a senior the best feeling you can have is of great accomplishment and pride in your band and as we circled around Lamos that is what I felt. We got straight superiors and that's how I will end my Marching assements in high school.

Needless to say, I love performing in front of people. It is one of the best feelings you can have. I love the feeling of hundreds of people watching you, with your heart racing, your feet moving, and your mind focused on great sound, great looks and having fun. This is why I think I need to do band in college. I love it to much to ever give up on it. Nothing could ever replace the feeling that marching band had given me at both Ocoee and Wekiva High School.

"Life itself is a race, marked by a start, and a finish. It is what we learn during the race, and how we apply it, that determines whether our participation has had particular value. If we learn from each success and each failure, and improve ourselves though this process, then, at the end, we will have fulfilled our potential and performed well." -Anonymous-

The Weather.

There is something about me and the cold weather, I don't know what is is but I adore it. The cold weather means hot cocoa, apple cider, homemade apple crisp, homemade chicken noodle soup, fires out back with smores, curling up in my room with my blanket watching television, and much much more. For some reason every time it gets cold I feel good inside, although I do find myself also getting sad at times. But generally I am much happier during the cold season. The only reason i'd find myself sad would be because I get lonelier when its cold out because I find myself wanting to cuddle up with someone. This weather has such a major impact on me, I find myself thinking much more and being more poetic about everything. I'm excited about the weather.

I don't know how to smile.

Really, I don't. Any picture I ever take my smile looks soo bad in. Oh, well i'll learn someday lol. So, last night was amazing. I love spending time with Samantha, we really don't get to do it enough. From taking a thousand pictures, to a random lady asking me if I was okay and if I needed help because I was laying on the side of the road and to Samantha dying my hair dark chocolate brown and me freaking out. It was all amazing and perfect in every way. I love my best friend. She makes me smile :]

Farewell.

My last blog site shut down or something, I think. I'm really not sure, but i'm kinda really upset about it. That thing had my heart on it. I would of printed out everything if I knew it was gonna shut down so fast...now everything I had is gone. I hope this thing will do for now. I need to write, I've felt incomplete the last few days without somewhere that I can vent. Writing has become my escape from emotions, and my way of expressing myself. Who knew that words had such power to them. I've grown a deep love and admiration for the english language, and through my writing I want to show people who I am inside. I've realized a lot recently through my quiet times. I am someone who needs to express herself. I do this through playing music, and through writing. Those are my two way of relieving everything that i've bottled up inside.

Writing, music...the arts...they are my passion.