When the world around you crumbles.

Happy new years to me. Today has been horrible. Brandon broke up with Erica, and it was for a stupid reason. He didn't see it going anywhere. My response is then try harder. She's hurting and I hate that. But, the thing is, now she thinks she "may like John again." See, the entire time she was dating Brandon she was fighting her feelings for John. I mean, she picked Brandon over him after all. I mean there would be times she pushed her feelings away completely and then there would be times where she'd be extremely sad because she'd remember how John felt about her, and how she didn't feel the same. I always asked her if she liked John, and she would say I don't know, but I knew she liked Brandon more and I was content with that. But, I guess it doesn't matter anymore. I've lost once more. I love Erica too much to tell her she can't have him, and she knows this. I'd rather be hurting then to see her hurt. A guy won't ever come in between us. The thing is, I once again feel that I am nothing. I have always felt that she was better then me, and I've always been so jealous of her. I hate being jealous of my best friend. It hurts. But truth is, I am. The one boy I've had my heart on for 2 years, I'm not even allowed to have, because he wants her, and she "may" want him. It hurts, but I'll be okay. I know God has someone out there for me, I just wish I knew who it was. I don't want to "love" him anymore. I've held on for so long to him, but he likes my best friend, and I feel that I'm forgotten, and alone. I feel so very alone, but when she likes him back, the feeling is worse. This is the 3rd time now that she's liked him....it's not just going away no matter how hard I wish it would. She says half her wants to like him, half her doesn't. The half the doesn't is because he breaks all her rules when looking for a guy. I don't get it. If John always tell me and Erica that we are the same person, why does he like her. So many people tell us we are the same person, but that's it. We are, and we aren't. I'm the flawed twin I feel. =/ I'm just being emotional right now, but it's my feelings. I really feel like crying myself to sleep. 2009 is supposed to bring change for me. It's time to let go. It's a new year within the next hour, and it's time to forget my past and move on one step at a time. Sad part is, I can't even talk to my best friend in the whole world about how I wish she didn't like him, and about how I feel so betrayed. I mean, I can't tell her no, no matter how bad I want to. I know she'd do it for me, but it wouldn't be fair to her.