When the world around you crumbles.

Happy new years to me. Today has been horrible. Brandon broke up with Erica, and it was for a stupid reason. He didn't see it going anywhere. My response is then try harder. She's hurting and I hate that. But, the thing is, now she thinks she "may like John again." See, the entire time she was dating Brandon she was fighting her feelings for John. I mean, she picked Brandon over him after all. I mean there would be times she pushed her feelings away completely and then there would be times where she'd be extremely sad because she'd remember how John felt about her, and how she didn't feel the same. I always asked her if she liked John, and she would say I don't know, but I knew she liked Brandon more and I was content with that. But, I guess it doesn't matter anymore. I've lost once more. I love Erica too much to tell her she can't have him, and she knows this. I'd rather be hurting then to see her hurt. A guy won't ever come in between us. The thing is, I once again feel that I am nothing. I have always felt that she was better then me, and I've always been so jealous of her. I hate being jealous of my best friend. It hurts. But truth is, I am. The one boy I've had my heart on for 2 years, I'm not even allowed to have, because he wants her, and she "may" want him. It hurts, but I'll be okay. I know God has someone out there for me, I just wish I knew who it was. I don't want to "love" him anymore. I've held on for so long to him, but he likes my best friend, and I feel that I'm forgotten, and alone. I feel so very alone, but when she likes him back, the feeling is worse. This is the 3rd time now that she's liked him....it's not just going away no matter how hard I wish it would. She says half her wants to like him, half her doesn't. The half the doesn't is because he breaks all her rules when looking for a guy. I don't get it. If John always tell me and Erica that we are the same person, why does he like her. So many people tell us we are the same person, but that's it. We are, and we aren't. I'm the flawed twin I feel. =/ I'm just being emotional right now, but it's my feelings. I really feel like crying myself to sleep. 2009 is supposed to bring change for me. It's time to let go. It's a new year within the next hour, and it's time to forget my past and move on one step at a time. Sad part is, I can't even talk to my best friend in the whole world about how I wish she didn't like him, and about how I feel so betrayed. I mean, I can't tell her no, no matter how bad I want to. I know she'd do it for me, but it wouldn't be fair to her.

Darn that Chik-Fil-A

Monday afternoon I went with a bunch of my friends to Chik-Fil-A to get lunch, but there was 2 birthday parties about to go on, and so we got our food and we went to Kitland Nelson Park. I ordered a number one which is like a chicken sandwich and then the waffle fries. The park had its ups and downs, I had a blast with Ashley, Stephanie, Hoffman, Brandon, Chris and Cody, but Zach on the other hand I did not have such a good time with. This girl from my school came up to the park to buy a disney ticket off me for $30 bucks, but what did Zach do? He gave her a free ticket he had. I was so angry. That's like not even right. But whatever, I ended up going home and going to work.

Work wasn't slow, and it wasn't really busy. It was steady. I got sent home around 8, and I texted Ashley telling her she could come over to spend the night. I guess her phone died because she called me on Hoffmans phone and I didnt see it, so I called her back and Zach picked up so I just hung up. My stomach started feeling really bad, and I started texting John and Erica. I got really like emo and decided i'd go up in my tree. That was a big mistake. Sammy (the ipod) fell out of my pocket into the bushes under my tree. It's night time, I have a black ipod. This was not good. I texted Hoffman and next thing I know like 6 people are at my house trying to help me find this thing. That was an adventure in itself. After about 2 hours of searching through the bushes Cody finally found it. I was soo happy, because if it rained Sammy would be dead.

We all sat on my porch for awhile and I decided we should go walking. Remember how I told you my stomach had been hurting? Well, yeah I know why now. We didn't get very far on our walk when I felt everything coming up, and I had to throw up. Everyone was like alright lets go back but I refused because man did I feel tons better, Hoffman was really mad because he wanted me to go home and rest but oh well. So we finished our walk and Hoffman and Cody went home. Brandon Chris Ashley and Stephanie stayed and I went inside atleast twice to throw up again. None of them knew about this though. Around midnight Brandon Chris and Stephanie left, and so Ashley came in and I threw up one more time. She said she would go home, but I knew it wasn't contagious and so she just stayed. We talked for awhile and it was great catching up on things. Around 3 AM I woke up to get water because I was dehydrated and my ears started ringing and my head felt heavy and I had to lay down because I almost passed out. It was horrible. After awhile I finally got my water but I fell asleep on the couch. In the morning when me and Ashley were up my parents got me gatorade and as soon as I drank that I again threw up for the last time. Ashley still felt sick because she had a cold, and so she went home around 9 to rest, and to let me rest. Food poisioning is not fun.

I have hardly ate anything since Monday, and everything I ate monday I threw up. I had a 100.7 fever, and I had diarhea and everything. (Yeah, you needed to know this.) I blame it on the Chik-Fil-A because thats all I had eaten Monday. I feel tons better, like I can eat alittle now, but my stomach still feels icky. =/ I have to work tonight too. This will be fun.

Chugga Chugga Choo Choo.

Saturday was not exactly what people would call an "ordinary" day, but it never is when I am with Sammi. I had the most brilliant idea ever that we should go take pictures on a train track, and so off to find this train track, Samantha, Jannah and I went. At first we couldn't figure out how to get to the track we wanted to because of Sam's car, but we traveled all around my area until we found another end of the train tracks by piedmont. It was a blast. I mean everytime there was a noise we'd all get up and make sure there was no train coming. I love taking pictures with them. We found a rock that was a tile, and a glittery rock, and a yoo hoo wrapper. lol. Ahh, adventures.

So, after about an hour of this we decided to go home and Sam and I took a bazillion more pictures on my road. We ended up walking down the road and sitting by this tree for awhile and taking weird colored pictures when this guy in a truck drove by and stopped and told us that he almost didnt see us and that it wasn't smart to be sitting on the side of the road. Well, really we were on the very edge no one was gonna hit us. But whatever, so we got up and went back home. We went on another adventure to walmart to get food and junk, and when we came back we tried to watch Narnia, but that didn't really work out so well. After that things got interesting....but I won't explain what happened. Because of this interesting current of events Jannah decided we should go to Starbucks and yeah. Haha, wow. Saturday was....strange, but filled with so many good memories. I love Sam. Really, anytime I am with her we always have such an adventure. It's like <3. I tried writing this blog forever ago, but then I had to go to work, then I got food poisioning, and yeah. Not fun. My next blog will be about my experience with food poisioning . Bahaha. Worst experience ever.

Can't Help It If Theres No One Else

Please do me a favor.

Stop.

I'd very much appreciate it.

Thanks.

When life's gotcha down you know watcha gotta do?

Just keep swimming :]

Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you

I broke again tonight. It's been awhile since I've just cried, but for once it wasn't about not having John, but rather it was about feeling I was losing him as a best friend. Lately, to both me and Erica he's been acting incredibly different, and hasn't been talking much. He also treats me like I am nothing in his life anymore. He's one of my best friends, and best friend pain is one of the worse pains in the world. I don't even know what to write right now, because so many emotions are swelling up inside. I decided for the first time ever I wouldn't try to fix everything on my own, and that I'd see how long it took him to realize that something was wrong. Well, it didn't take him that long because he called me and left me a message. Of course, I didn't pick up but I really want to see if he will try to fix things like I always do. I feel so forgotten, and I feel young again. Erica made a point, she said she feels like he's growing up and he's realizing he doesn't need us anymore...and that is really scary, and really hurts to think about.

=/

Lost.

Ever since last night I have been feeling a since of confusion, and emptiness. I feel that I am running dry, and that my well has nothing left to give. Last night when I went to John's college and career group, Flood, I had one on one time with God during the praise and worship. As I closed my eyes, I began to pray out to him about my life, and how I needed him now more then ever. Sometimes you are going and going and you forget to fill up your gas tank. That's exactly how I feel right now. I feel that i've become comfortable with where I am in my life spiritually, and that i've done nothing to grow closer to Him. The empty feeling is like no other, and it digs deep within my soul. Sometimes your life gets so busy, you forget that you need to give up time to God, and that's exactly what i've been doing. I used to study the bible when I was in bible quiz all the time, and I realize now that through bible quiz I was forced to stay on track with my digging deep into His word. I will admit, I haven't been reading the bible as much, or having my one on one moments with God as much recently. This makes my heart cry out, as I fall down on my knees. You see today I made a pledge that i'd start a new. That i'd start listening to worship music and start waking up earlier in order to pray and read my bible. I mean what's 30 minutes? I think God deserves my time.

So much has been going on in my life both spiritually, and emotionally. I just need His comforting hands to wrap His arms around me.